i feel like im failing. the one thing i had total fucking control over is slowly slipping away. i dont know if this is because im getting better or its because im a complete joke and cant even keep up with the task in hand.
im petrified about gaining weight and i am a million miles away from being ' content ' but my eating habits recently have become lazy and some what NORMAL. I am keeping a food diary (as per) but i am not serious about keeping the number low . i keep thinking ' ohhhh fuck it ' you can start again tomorrow.. and then think because i am starting again tomorrow i can eat what i want for the rest of the day- this cycle has continued for almost a week.
I need to stay away from friends and family, they seem to find any excuse to eat. to celebrate they will eat , to watch a movie they will eat , to go on a date they will eat. i don't want to be around people like that - i want to obsess about calories and read books about weight loss. i want to cut out pictures from magazines and re arrange my fav celebs in order of size , i want to be where i used to be . i felt happy when i was in my weird little world and there was only me to fight with and me to contend with.
i need to make a new deal with myself - a belated new years resolution ' go back to being a recluse girl ' .. do what you do best !
remember what this is all about and remember why you are doing it .. you need to be thin ! if you are thin you are beautiful ! if you are thin you will be happy ! being average is NOT acceptable ! being average you might as well be FAT ! YOU ARE FAT ! FAT is ugly ! YOU ARE UGLY ! STARVE = THIN - FACT !!
STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE .....