I am currently slapping on layer and layer of fake tan .. the more pale my skin , the more disgusting i look, the more imperfections are apparent on my skin. I have been insane the past couple of days. 

Yesterday i took a road trip across country with the boys family . (the boy is now in an open jail , open but still not free) we drove from manchester to boston UK 3hrs for a family day visit. i over slept in the morning and didn't have the chance to pack my low calorie lunch so i had to eat chicken paste sandwiches that were provided by his mother and packets of low cal crisps wotsits and quavers. I was squashed in the backseat with his niece and nephew who were crawling all over the seats , arranging and re arranging themselves. seat belt on seat belt off . shoes off shoes on . desperate to get out of the car i was screaming inside. Sticking fingers all over my phone, snotty noses constantly needing a tissue or baby wipe i could feel my skin crawling. 

We arrived at the visitors centre and were greeted with tea and coffee there were no snacks of any kind and I was thankful because his family are most accommodating and they will literally force food down your throat if you refuse it. The day was going great , we had a chat and a cuddle and we joined in with the arts and crafts that were set up for the children , yesterdays theme was the hungry caterpillar.  I laughed as I turned to saturday and I was presented with the  menu for Saturday .. totally me on a weekend binge 

Anyways , the day was fun until they brought out the buffet which consisted of chicken nuggets , chicken drumsticks , chips , coleslaw and vegetable samosa completely in just , i never even anticipated dinner I shuddered as I was ordered to participate in the feast.. grease grease stodge yuk ! and with nowhere to vomit what the actual fuck .. my mood completely flipped and i became noticeably irritated I was annoying and sarcastic. is it okay that i write the day off ? and is it okay that i felt too sorry for myself not to even go for a run when i got home ? and is it okay that i have been a lazy bitch on my day off today ? i really hope so. 

Back into work tomorrow means i'm back into my routine back on the slimmer soup back in the gym ..I will keep you updated my lovelies .. 

think thin !!!!!!!!!!!! 

Xx 

                                                                                 

I can't believe that i haven't managed to blog all weekend, I have been away from home and away from my pc I have attempted to blog from my blackberry but the network connection was really poor and it took me ages to even draft a sentence.. i have been reading ana blogs on my RSS feed and tips and diets so i have been consumed by the pro ana propaganda

anyways the restricting is going really well so far , i am now into my second week. last week i made sure i consumed around 1000 cals per day but this week i am going to drop them down to 500 cals and up the exercise. I am going to add a 10k run to the ' every other day' that i haven't been running them so basically 10k everyday  and include a little more exercise and weights for my legs and hips. my upper body is looking nice and toned. i bought a new top from H&M on saturday and it was a UK size 8 which i was so delighted with.

i have weighed in and I am not any lighter on the scales but I know this is due to be toning up .. my muscles are obvious so i know the weight comes from them. over the next few weeks i'm hoping that my new found muscle will start to burn more calories for me and eat away at this fat.

in my relationship i am an emotional wreck , I cry and lash out  at the boy most of the time I blame him for almost everything shitty in my life but he loves me enough just to take ..  thats a story to share with my therapist laters.

im going to throw together my packed lunch of 500 cals and get myself to where i need to be.
i will be back later to update you with todays stats , gossip , whatever ...

thanks be to all of you for being so inspirational

Xx

Hurrah for another great day of calorie counting and exercise yesterday.. eating clean and cardio through and through the hunger pagnes are back and i must admit it feels so dam good. consumed less that 978 calories and burned 2223kcal a deficit of 1245 so again nearly half way to 1lb ..

I might even weigh in today for an actual starting a weight I think I can estimate what I am but I think a definite will encourage me to work harder.. its all very well estimating but once I know the actual weight I know I will feel ashamed , making me extra determined.

Gym again tonight .. I missed out on my 10k run last night which I have been doing every other day for approximately 3 weeks I literally ran out of time . I did a boot camp and a weight session and I looked at the time and I had to go catch my bus. 

It feels great getting back into old habits , I really do feel amazing .. I'm looking forward to seeing myself shrink again over time .. i know i can do it , I've done it before plus i'm in therapy for my other issues I have designated time to deal with those not letting them effect my routine .. that shit stays in the clinic freeing me of time and energy ..

I hope you girls are staying strong and keeping motivated..

I'll be back soon Xx

Amazing day yesterday, it was my first official day back on the count .. i managed a calorie deficit of 1400 half way to losing 1lb exciting times huh ? i consumed less than 1000 calories and i must say  found it pretty easy. I managed a decent work out in the gym , weights and cardio and I swear i can see muscle tone reappearing in my abs .. after one day I know !!

I am on the same little mission today but i have cut my food intake slightly , i noticed that a lot of my food was high in bad carbs, literally a packed lunch full of sugar - so gone are the breakfast biscuits I don't need you .

I am drinking so much herbal tea I am bursting for the toilet every 30mins , its great ! just think about all those toxins flushing out . i want to feel clean and empty inside. that reminds me I MUST stock up on some colon cleansing tablets I have used them in the past and they worked great so Holland & Barrett after work today.

I made a new friend at the gym last night too .. I say shes a friend I don't even know her name - I do know that she has a cute little dublin accent that I would swap with her in a heartbeat. We took the same class together last week and the same again last night, as I was leaving she asked ' are you coming to boot camp tomorrow ?? ' I took that as an invitation so I agreed and said I would meet her today. no exchange of numbers or BBM pins but we wore the same trainers so I took that as a sign.

I have a new calorie counter app on my phone now and since I have my phone practically glued to my palm I have no excuse for not logging my food correctly .. its a good way of logging my exercise too so i know exactly how hard i need to work for progress.

So in a nut shell i got this shit in check .. I look forward to updating this space soon.

Let me know what you girls are all up to ..

Xx

Good morning angels !

This is my first stop this morning even before checking my Twitter  .

Today the going be the start of something productive and productive! I have already checked the time table at the gym and after work I am in for a good session. I have a body combat class ,indoor cycling  and a session on the weights.. Fortunately for me I have a good spotting partner :):)

I have packed my lunch today and it consists of 2 slices of wholemeal bread a tangerine green apple and  cereal bars x 2 I have also slipped in a couple of fennel tea bags,  I struggle with my intake of fluids mainly because I hate water and usually only drink it in a coffee but I am turning my back on caffeine and my herbal teas will become my main source of liquid intake and I also figure the warm water will fill my tummy too.

I hope you achieve your goals that you have set for yourselves today ..  I will come back later and update you with my progress. Xx

hello to anybody reading this ..

Chickadee i have seen your comments and i thank you for taking the time to write.

the story to date :  passed exams, found job, moved house, made friends, socialised, traveled, committed to a relationship, weekly therapy sessions, dis continued medication, a baby nephew and a dog good times... twisted three hundred sixty .. depression, lost job , incurred debt, lost house, lost relationships, kept dog , parents house,  bitch mother , retarded step- dad, anxiety, frustration, fat.

so this is me again 12 months later ...

I'm getting sucked back in and for me this is not a problem, I am actually running with this why fight it ? I have a history here and its comforting , and its important to know that when everything else fails i still have my trusted loyal friend ana to pick me back up and give me direction and motivation.

I have to indulge I have lots of time now and I am in the environment where I can play the game.. I know for a fact that being at my parents house will get me the attention that I need. I have the audience participation that makes me feel strong and empowered. They are the type to notice and challenge my behaviors which just makes me more determined,

I go back to the time when i worked in an office full of women that often commented and participated in my weight loss, accidentally reactivated a Facebook account from that time I was presented with picture posts full of skinny pictures and envious comments. at the time i thought i was enormous and turns out i was the tinniest i'd been since being 12 years old, it was good to see. so i figure that i strive better when people become involved. Sadistic in a sense, i get off on other peoples incapabilities or failed attempts have having any impact in my choices, nobody can stop me doing what i do.

I have worked up quite an appetite over recent months so my first focus will be to reduce the sugar and fat in my diet.. after the sugar and fat i will then cut out the carbs .. i still have my safe list tattooed to my brain. I just need to revise the calorie contents in certain foods because these have become blurred over time. Once i get into my routine which i hope will be in the next couple of weeks I start making a note of my stats.. my goal weight , targets, exercise plans etc and i can keep my blog .

all i have to say is watch this space ... god knows i'm going to need you Xx