fat is most definitely a feeling, thin is the ultimate skill ...

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

p.s the midwife weighed me at 10st 10lbs  ... 150lbs
wow ! wow ! wow ! cant tell you how long it has been .. I swear if I was to blog as much as I tweet i wouldn't get anything done. I mean 45 characters , being read by friends and ex-colleagues I have to be particular with what I write , its usually all for effect  , well some of it I let myself go but usually its pretty grim , no real substance to what i write. ' I like Christmas ' ' My dog is so cute' ' Cant wait to get home' Im surprised i still have followers..

Anyhow I'm visiting today to confess a few things ... life changing actually no matter how much I'm in denial !

I'm pregnant !!!!!!!

That very statement cringes me ! So much, I wont let anybody else say it .. Wont let anybody speak of it ..

I'm actually coming into my second trimester (official terminology) which means 12 weeks .. I'm due my ultra sound on Friday.

I cant believe it ! I don't want to believe it ! The feeling is surreal !

My boyfriend is delighted and so are both families ... a gift from god they tell me.

I'm ashamed to say it out right, but I don't feel the connection. I know that I hate being pregnant , I hate everything about it. I feel alien ! I'm looking at my swollen stomach and my growing breast and I just feel like taking a knife and cutting them all off ! All i can think about it gaining weight , my fat face , my fat arms and fat legs.. I swear even my toes and fingers are fat .. THE PREGNANCY GLOW is non-existent don't be fooled.

I have always thought of myself being single and free  .. forever ! Clung to the Peter Pan in me , the girl who never grows up ! I never imagined that I would ever be responsible for the life of another human being , its terrifying !

In all honesty I feel I am 'stuck' now , bound to the babies father for life .. (an obvious conclusion I know) I feel like my freedom has been taken away from me and I am devastated. Ideally I would not of wanted to be a single parent so I should be grateful that my partner is excited to be starting a family but if I think really hard about it I'm not convinced I would have chosen him to do it with , I mean I have loved him before and in the beginning I thought he was the only person for me , who understood me, we really connected but over time I feel I have outgrown him and our perceptions on life and so different.

This pregnancy has me doubting my entire relationship , I'm questioning my motives , my goals ,  my future.

I'm in a situation I have no control over .... control ... can you guess who I have turned too .. sad face*

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

I am currently slapping on layer and layer of fake tan .. the more pale my skin , the more disgusting i look, the more imperfections are apparent on my skin. I have been insane the past couple of days. 

Yesterday i took a road trip across country with the boys family . (the boy is now in an open jail , open but still not free) we drove from manchester to boston UK 3hrs for a family day visit. i over slept in the morning and didn't have the chance to pack my low calorie lunch so i had to eat chicken paste sandwiches that were provided by his mother and packets of low cal crisps wotsits and quavers. I was squashed in the backseat with his niece and nephew who were crawling all over the seats , arranging and re arranging themselves. seat belt on seat belt off . shoes off shoes on . desperate to get out of the car i was screaming inside. Sticking fingers all over my phone, snotty noses constantly needing a tissue or baby wipe i could feel my skin crawling. 

We arrived at the visitors centre and were greeted with tea and coffee there were no snacks of any kind and I was thankful because his family are most accommodating and they will literally force food down your throat if you refuse it. The day was going great , we had a chat and a cuddle and we joined in with the arts and crafts that were set up for the children , yesterdays theme was the hungry caterpillar.  I laughed as I turned to saturday and I was presented with the  menu for Saturday .. totally me on a weekend binge 

Anyways , the day was fun until they brought out the buffet which consisted of chicken nuggets , chicken drumsticks , chips , coleslaw and vegetable samosa completely in just , i never even anticipated dinner I shuddered as I was ordered to participate in the feast.. grease grease stodge yuk ! and with nowhere to vomit what the actual fuck .. my mood completely flipped and i became noticeably irritated I was annoying and sarcastic. is it okay that i write the day off ? and is it okay that i felt too sorry for myself not to even go for a run when i got home ? and is it okay that i have been a lazy bitch on my day off today ? i really hope so. 

Back into work tomorrow means i'm back into my routine back on the slimmer soup back in the gym ..I will keep you updated my lovelies .. 

think thin !!!!!!!!!!!! 

Xx 

                                                                                 

Monday, 8 April 2013

I can't believe that i haven't managed to blog all weekend, I have been away from home and away from my pc I have attempted to blog from my blackberry but the network connection was really poor and it took me ages to even draft a sentence.. i have been reading ana blogs on my RSS feed and tips and diets so i have been consumed by the pro ana propaganda

anyways the restricting is going really well so far , i am now into my second week. last week i made sure i consumed around 1000 cals per day but this week i am going to drop them down to 500 cals and up the exercise. I am going to add a 10k run to the ' every other day' that i haven't been running them so basically 10k everyday  and include a little more exercise and weights for my legs and hips. my upper body is looking nice and toned. i bought a new top from H&M on saturday and it was a UK size 8 which i was so delighted with.

i have weighed in and I am not any lighter on the scales but I know this is due to be toning up .. my muscles are obvious so i know the weight comes from them. over the next few weeks i'm hoping that my new found muscle will start to burn more calories for me and eat away at this fat.

in my relationship i am an emotional wreck , I cry and lash out  at the boy most of the time I blame him for almost everything shitty in my life but he loves me enough just to take ..  thats a story to share with my therapist laters.

im going to throw together my packed lunch of 500 cals and get myself to where i need to be.
i will be back later to update you with todays stats , gossip , whatever ...

thanks be to all of you for being so inspirational

Xx

Thursday, 4 April 2013

Hurrah for another great day of calorie counting and exercise yesterday.. eating clean and cardio through and through the hunger pagnes are back and i must admit it feels so dam good. consumed less that 978 calories and burned 2223kcal a deficit of 1245 so again nearly half way to 1lb ..

I might even weigh in today for an actual starting a weight I think I can estimate what I am but I think a definite will encourage me to work harder.. its all very well estimating but once I know the actual weight I know I will feel ashamed , making me extra determined.

Gym again tonight .. I missed out on my 10k run last night which I have been doing every other day for approximately 3 weeks I literally ran out of time . I did a boot camp and a weight session and I looked at the time and I had to go catch my bus. 

It feels great getting back into old habits , I really do feel amazing .. I'm looking forward to seeing myself shrink again over time .. i know i can do it , I've done it before plus i'm in therapy for my other issues I have designated time to deal with those not letting them effect my routine .. that shit stays in the clinic freeing me of time and energy ..

I hope you girls are staying strong and keeping motivated..

I'll be back soon Xx

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Amazing day yesterday, it was my first official day back on the count .. i managed a calorie deficit of 1400 half way to losing 1lb exciting times huh ? i consumed less than 1000 calories and i must say  found it pretty easy. I managed a decent work out in the gym , weights and cardio and I swear i can see muscle tone reappearing in my abs .. after one day I know !!

I am on the same little mission today but i have cut my food intake slightly , i noticed that a lot of my food was high in bad carbs, literally a packed lunch full of sugar - so gone are the breakfast biscuits I don't need you .

I am drinking so much herbal tea I am bursting for the toilet every 30mins , its great ! just think about all those toxins flushing out . i want to feel clean and empty inside. that reminds me I MUST stock up on some colon cleansing tablets I have used them in the past and they worked great so Holland & Barrett after work today.

I made a new friend at the gym last night too .. I say shes a friend I don't even know her name - I do know that she has a cute little dublin accent that I would swap with her in a heartbeat. We took the same class together last week and the same again last night, as I was leaving she asked ' are you coming to boot camp tomorrow ?? ' I took that as an invitation so I agreed and said I would meet her today. no exchange of numbers or BBM pins but we wore the same trainers so I took that as a sign.

I have a new calorie counter app on my phone now and since I have my phone practically glued to my palm I have no excuse for not logging my food correctly .. its a good way of logging my exercise too so i know exactly how hard i need to work for progress.

So in a nut shell i got this shit in check .. I look forward to updating this space soon.

Let me know what you girls are all up to ..

Xx

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Good morning angels !

This is my first stop this morning even before checking my Twitter  .

Today the going be the start of something productive and productive! I have already checked the time table at the gym and after work I am in for a good session. I have a body combat class ,indoor cycling  and a session on the weights.. Fortunately for me I have a good spotting partner :):)

I have packed my lunch today and it consists of 2 slices of wholemeal bread a tangerine green apple and  cereal bars x 2 I have also slipped in a couple of fennel tea bags,  I struggle with my intake of fluids mainly because I hate water and usually only drink it in a coffee but I am turning my back on caffeine and my herbal teas will become my main source of liquid intake and I also figure the warm water will fill my tummy too.

I hope you achieve your goals that you have set for yourselves today ..  I will come back later and update you with my progress. Xx

Monday, 1 April 2013

hello to anybody reading this ..

Chickadee i have seen your comments and i thank you for taking the time to write.

the story to date :  passed exams, found job, moved house, made friends, socialised, traveled, committed to a relationship, weekly therapy sessions, dis continued medication, a baby nephew and a dog good times... twisted three hundred sixty .. depression, lost job , incurred debt, lost house, lost relationships, kept dog , parents house,  bitch mother , retarded step- dad, anxiety, frustration, fat.

so this is me again 12 months later ...

I'm getting sucked back in and for me this is not a problem, I am actually running with this why fight it ? I have a history here and its comforting , and its important to know that when everything else fails i still have my trusted loyal friend ana to pick me back up and give me direction and motivation.

I have to indulge I have lots of time now and I am in the environment where I can play the game.. I know for a fact that being at my parents house will get me the attention that I need. I have the audience participation that makes me feel strong and empowered. They are the type to notice and challenge my behaviors which just makes me more determined,

I go back to the time when i worked in an office full of women that often commented and participated in my weight loss, accidentally reactivated a Facebook account from that time I was presented with picture posts full of skinny pictures and envious comments. at the time i thought i was enormous and turns out i was the tinniest i'd been since being 12 years old, it was good to see. so i figure that i strive better when people become involved. Sadistic in a sense, i get off on other peoples incapabilities or failed attempts have having any impact in my choices, nobody can stop me doing what i do.

I have worked up quite an appetite over recent months so my first focus will be to reduce the sugar and fat in my diet.. after the sugar and fat i will then cut out the carbs .. i still have my safe list tattooed to my brain. I just need to revise the calorie contents in certain foods because these have become blurred over time. Once i get into my routine which i hope will be in the next couple of weeks I start making a note of my stats.. my goal weight , targets, exercise plans etc and i can keep my blog .

all i have to say is watch this space ... god knows i'm going to need you Xx

Monday, 9 April 2012

I can not remember the last time I  posted ..  I do not know where I  have been since. 

I fimd myself back here - back on my blog looking for something. I am desperate to grab hold of it again. I have an unsettled feeling and I am hoping for some comfort here somthing familiar some sense of control. 

I'm on the caroselle again 

A pattern I see

The numbers feel right , the path I am on is not right. 
I feel myself wondering back to the beginning 
Back to basics 
 

Monday, 2 January 2012

i have reluctantly celebrated my birthday , another year older - dam it !! i feel that i am getting too far into my 20's now that 'normal' people my age might find this obsession ridiculous. completely immature, embarrassing. in my mind i have come to the conclusion that only certain girls, usually below the age of 25 are the only persons to be accepted and acknowledged for having an eating disorder. its an irrational way of thinking i know but i my age i should be career focused , looking to settle , mortgage blah blah blah ..

however i am still living in my 1 bed apartment with no sense of real direction, sure im at college (considered a mature student now) . i am struggling to find steady work to fit around my studies so i'm pretty much broke. i have a casual child minding job on a add hoc basis. i have no real social life , i hardly ever go out dancing. i'm obsessed with skinny celebs , latest trends, diet pills, pro anna blogs and its just hit me I'M ACTUALLY F*ING OLD

i am just concerned that time seems to be rushing past me and i havent been able to grab on and follow friends and colleagues as they have succeeded in there lives with their goals , hopes and dreams. instead i have been counting calories , going backwards and forward with exercise plans, changeing routines, my weight flutuating, my mental illness, deteriorating , adapting to medication , therapy its been and exhausting time for me and only now having reflected on the last 12 months do i seem a little pathetic.  i am thinking about it and trying to justify things but still havent drawn up a conclusion to 2011..

I can get some comfort when i look at the bigger picture. the fact that you cant fix it to one age range. there are people from all backgrounds and of all ages. and when i think of Paris , Nicole , lilo  all of which are around my age  ..  i still feel youngish . then catwalk models , Naomi, Gisele they still have it going on and they are more senior.

hmmmm im starting to feel better about it already .. just because my previous class mates and old friends have settled for the norm doesn't mean i have to be satisfied with the standard Yuk !

Yes thats fine i have talked myself out of feeling shameful .. didnt take long did it ha

i have deleted my old stats , i am not interested in the weight that i didnt manage to lose last year , im going to kick some butt this year , yes i am. P90X at the ready , plus my new bike that i asked received for my birthday ..

i wish you all the best in your conquests ladies and i hope to update you with some fabulous results very very soon

Thursday, 24 November 2011

the past couple of days have been shameful, what i thought was a birthday drink with my BF on Sunday turned into a pre Christmas party. I had been at my friends since Sunday (until yesterday) and being ' the guest ' I have been spoiled. food ! wine ! etc ! * etc meaning too many things to mention , embarrassed , frustrated with myself. I had been doing great. why do i let all my inhibitions go when i have company , why do i feel that in a single moment its fine .. its never f*cking fine though is it ?? the most pleasant thing about our rendezvous was putting up the Christmas tree an little head of schedule, the only time i smiled.

i was so desperate to get home , i wanted to throw up so bad. I had withdrawals from my meds , i wanted my happy pills , my lax. i wanted to empty all of the sat fat that had been soaking into my bones , blood , skin yaaak !  i want to go the gym so bad but i don't have the energy. i feel absolutely deflated , defeated. I am beating my brain in trying to calculate and weigh up how many lbs i will have put on. i'm overwhelmed with dread.

im punching myself in the stomach right now ...

i had theeeee best comment on Saturday too before the mega binge. I was out dancing on Saturday night with some girlfriends when a friend of a friend claimed i looked underweight and after watching me drink water the whole nigh we were out partying she asked ' are you anorexic or something ??? '

obviously not - look at my stats biiiiatch

my stomach must have stretched out now so i am worried its going to want filling back up again. once i start eating i honestly honestly cant stop . new plan needed urgently , fast fast fast its the only way to shrink it back.

my sincere apologies if you feel demotivated by me , its not my intention. i just had to come and get it off my chest. a confession if you like.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

yesterday was a bad day , i slept through my alarm so i missed my placement i called in ten mins before i was about to start with some lame excuse about me having to cover a shift at my fake paid job that i have invented prior to my interview so that if for any reason i am unable to make it into college or placement i always have a valid excuse for my absence without it being repoted as sickness or unexplained  .. i know its cunning and totally not me but i have to suceed at this course its the step on the ladder , a foot in the door for my desired career.

i had friends come over last night that brought with them wine and goodies .. not so goody for me. i broke my fast .

i have bombed some diet pills today , mcds hot chocloate and a pack of wotsits (my baby nephews wotsits only 95 cals per bag) feeling anxious im at mamma's house she'll be home soon and insist on cooking me dinner , im going to set off home before she gets the chance.

no weigh ins this week , too scared i doubt i have lost much ..

i need some ...

Monday, 7 November 2011

i told you i would try and write as often as i can , totally impressed .

today has been a great day i had a bowl of shredded wheat this morning skimmed milk , lined my tummy while i knocked back my meds and off i trotted to GP. blood test came back fine, low on iron and folic acid as i suspected but apart from that my insides seem to be alright. no kidney or liver damage.

today (apart from breakfast) my body has been food free .. actually if you consider the laxtive that i ate this morning then even including my breakfast my body is STILL food free. I have had one milky coffee with sugar , i needed a little something after my session in the gym.

I have participated in a Zumba class today not really hardcore but to be honest some days when my bones are too heavy for me to run or swim or row i like to throw myself around and get my heart rate up being a complete lunatic , i have no co ordination what so ever but the hype of the loud music and the banging of feet on the gym floor gets my adrenaline pumping ! pumping ! so much so that i throw myself around frantically, bump into others , face beaming , hair stuck to my face , blistered tootsies , its grrrrreat haaa !!

I'm feeling completely empty at the moment and as dinner time is soon approaching I'm feeling anxious. I literally have no more house work that i can do to distract me. i even bought colouring books  ( guilty pleasure , guilty pleasure ) that i have completedfrom front to back. i dont want to visit any friends or family because there is a risk that i will break my fast , i mean i havent done one for a while and becuase this is my first day i feel vulnerable , at this stage it would be so easy for me ' to start again tomorrow '. I like it when i am 2 days in and then 3 days and nobody is going to convince me and no food could ever seduce me , thats when im at my best .. 

SOS ?? Ideas , Ideas Ideas !! Xx

Sunday, 6 November 2011

how i hate Sundays , a whole day wasted with the parent(s) force fed Sunday lunch and made to sit and slumber while i anxiously digest every filthy bit of grease that has been pumped into my body. i will refuse a lift home and walk the 5 miles in the bitter cold of  the Ye English November weather. I am aware that the hike will not melt away the calories that i have reluctantly consumed today but i supposed 5 miles is better than non ??

i love Mondays !! the start of a new week , a new plan . I am going to focus on fasting for as much of this week as possible. I will consume only liquids and of course a little sugar in my tea or coffee. I need a new packet of cigarettes that will be my only saviour. I will suck on the menthol stick when ever i feel the need to eat but to be perfectly honest i don't usually start puffing until later on in the evening . bed time is usually the worst time for me as i cant seem to relax either body or mind. the rush of nicotine will either make me feel so sick i will need to lay down and fall asleep in an attempt to stop the sickness or it will satisfy me in such a way that I will be able to drift away into a lovely sleep ( pah ! I'm being optimistic )

i will visit the doctor first thing in the morning to get my fortnightly dose of happy pills and also collect my recent blood test results , they are now considering a thyroid problem on top of everything.
else. apart from the doctors tomorrow you will only find me in the gym or the library ... or if its a really good day I'll be rattling in a hot shower listening to Adele 21 on repeat .. haaa !!

i hope all of you achieve your goals for tomorrow and the remainder of the week. i will check in as often as i can , my Internet is still not set up at home (not to self * can we please contact virgin media tomorrow and sort out the freeeeaking broadband)

good night , god bless  Xx

Monday, 31 October 2011

I've had the talk that me and my fat self needed to have this evening. i am starting again , i have lazed about too often and i am not happy and i am so unsettled in my average skin. i want more , i want the pain , i want the drive , i want the bones ..

I'm putting the past few months behind me , i am drawing a line , i will seek out new bloggers as it seems that some of the girls over time have disappeared . i am in need of some knew energy , some fresh ideas and new approaches , i am kicking my enormous ass into touch.

i am going to post regular and rad blogs. I am going to stay up most nights researching , collating my thinspo , over indulging in our pro ana world. i am going to consume diet pills , illegal substances when possible , gym , track , pool

tomorrow , tomorrow i love you tomorrow !! Xx

Tuesday, 8 February 2011


i feel like im failing. the one thing i had total fucking control over is slowly slipping away. i dont know if this is because im getting better or its because im a complete joke and cant even keep up with the task in hand.

im petrified about gaining weight and i am a million miles away from being ' content ' but my eating habits recently have become lazy and some what NORMAL. I am keeping a food diary (as per) but i am not serious about keeping the number low . i keep thinking ' ohhhh fuck it ' you can start again tomorrow.. and then think because i am starting again tomorrow i can eat what i want for the rest of the day- this cycle has continued for almost a week.

I need to stay away from friends and family, they seem to find any excuse to eat. to celebrate they will eat , to watch a movie they will eat , to go on a date they will eat. i don't want to be around people like that - i want to obsess about calories and read books about weight loss. i want to cut out pictures from magazines and re arrange my fav celebs in order of size , i want to be where i used to be . i felt happy when i was in my weird little world and there was only me to fight with and me to contend with.

i need to make a new deal with myself - a belated new years resolution ' go back to being a recluse girl ' .. do what you do best !

remember what this is all about and remember why you are doing it .. you need to be thin ! if you are thin you are beautiful ! if you are thin you will be happy ! being average is NOT acceptable ! being average you might as well be FAT ! YOU ARE FAT ! FAT is ugly ! YOU ARE UGLY ! STARVE = THIN - FACT !!

STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE .....

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

happy new year gorgeous girlies !!

great start to the year - I'm in therapy .. not because of my rebellious eating habits but its more to do with the deterioration of my mental health. recently i have been suffering from bouts of psychosis which to be honest has had me freaking out. i have been hallucinating the most strangest things , somtimes magical which i tend not to be too disturbed over but then there are the not so magically things that haunt me sometimes all through the day.

my therapist suggests that i take some happy pills but looking through my notes she pointed out that there is a chance that the pills will make me gain weight , to which i have a phobia (obvs)so its not even debatable - i will just have to ride this thing out COLD TURKEY - did i really just mention turkey ?? Yuk

I'm not too sure how long these sessions are going to last but I'm hoping not too long , i appreciate the help that i have been given but i don't want them to get too deep . my last session she started to talk about feelings and patterns in my behaviour , eating cropped up - I'm not too comfortable with discussing these, i hate telling people about what happens when the bathroom door closes behind me and my head is sat in a toilet bowl.

I would prefer them to clear my mind free from the poisoned thoughts but leave me to continue my fight against fat , I'm not sure if that is even possible. the mind is a powerful thing i don't know if the two are linked.

Only time can tell ..

stay strong , stay thin XxXx