fat is most definitely a feeling, thin is the ultimate skill ...

Monday, 2 January 2012

i have reluctantly celebrated my birthday , another year older - dam it !! i feel that i am getting too far into my 20's now that 'normal' people my age might find this obsession ridiculous. completely immature, embarrassing. in my mind i have come to the conclusion that only certain girls, usually below the age of 25 are the only persons to be accepted and acknowledged for having an eating disorder. its an irrational way of thinking i know but i my age i should be career focused , looking to settle , mortgage blah blah blah ..

however i am still living in my 1 bed apartment with no sense of real direction, sure im at college (considered a mature student now) . i am struggling to find steady work to fit around my studies so i'm pretty much broke. i have a casual child minding job on a add hoc basis. i have no real social life , i hardly ever go out dancing. i'm obsessed with skinny celebs , latest trends, diet pills, pro anna blogs and its just hit me I'M ACTUALLY F*ING OLD

i am just concerned that time seems to be rushing past me and i havent been able to grab on and follow friends and colleagues as they have succeeded in there lives with their goals , hopes and dreams. instead i have been counting calories , going backwards and forward with exercise plans, changeing routines, my weight flutuating, my mental illness, deteriorating , adapting to medication , therapy its been and exhausting time for me and only now having reflected on the last 12 months do i seem a little pathetic.  i am thinking about it and trying to justify things but still havent drawn up a conclusion to 2011..

I can get some comfort when i look at the bigger picture. the fact that you cant fix it to one age range. there are people from all backgrounds and of all ages. and when i think of Paris , Nicole , lilo  all of which are around my age  ..  i still feel youngish . then catwalk models , Naomi, Gisele they still have it going on and they are more senior.

hmmmm im starting to feel better about it already .. just because my previous class mates and old friends have settled for the norm doesn't mean i have to be satisfied with the standard Yuk !

Yes thats fine i have talked myself out of feeling shameful .. didnt take long did it ha

i have deleted my old stats , i am not interested in the weight that i didnt manage to lose last year , im going to kick some butt this year , yes i am. P90X at the ready , plus my new bike that i asked received for my birthday ..

i wish you all the best in your conquests ladies and i hope to update you with some fabulous results very very soon