the past couple of days have been shameful, what i thought was a birthday drink with my BF on Sunday turned into a pre Christmas party. I had been at my friends since Sunday (until yesterday) and being ' the guest ' I have been spoiled. food ! wine ! etc ! * etc meaning too many things to mention , embarrassed , frustrated with myself. I had been doing great. why do i let all my inhibitions go when i have company , why do i feel that in a single moment its fine .. its never f*cking fine though is it ?? the most pleasant thing about our rendezvous was putting up the Christmas tree an little head of schedule, the only time i smiled.

i was so desperate to get home , i wanted to throw up so bad. I had withdrawals from my meds , i wanted my happy pills , my lax. i wanted to empty all of the sat fat that had been soaking into my bones , blood , skin yaaak !  i want to go the gym so bad but i don't have the energy. i feel absolutely deflated , defeated. I am beating my brain in trying to calculate and weigh up how many lbs i will have put on. i'm overwhelmed with dread.

im punching myself in the stomach right now ...

i had theeeee best comment on Saturday too before the mega binge. I was out dancing on Saturday night with some girlfriends when a friend of a friend claimed i looked underweight and after watching me drink water the whole nigh we were out partying she asked ' are you anorexic or something ??? '

obviously not - look at my stats biiiiatch

my stomach must have stretched out now so i am worried its going to want filling back up again. once i start eating i honestly honestly cant stop . new plan needed urgently , fast fast fast its the only way to shrink it back.

my sincere apologies if you feel demotivated by me , its not my intention. i just had to come and get it off my chest. a confession if you like.

yesterday was a bad day , i slept through my alarm so i missed my placement i called in ten mins before i was about to start with some lame excuse about me having to cover a shift at my fake paid job that i have invented prior to my interview so that if for any reason i am unable to make it into college or placement i always have a valid excuse for my absence without it being repoted as sickness or unexplained  .. i know its cunning and totally not me but i have to suceed at this course its the step on the ladder , a foot in the door for my desired career.

i had friends come over last night that brought with them wine and goodies .. not so goody for me. i broke my fast .

i have bombed some diet pills today , mcds hot chocloate and a pack of wotsits (my baby nephews wotsits only 95 cals per bag) feeling anxious im at mamma's house she'll be home soon and insist on cooking me dinner , im going to set off home before she gets the chance.

no weigh ins this week , too scared i doubt i have lost much ..

i need some ...

i told you i would try and write as often as i can , totally impressed .

today has been a great day i had a bowl of shredded wheat this morning skimmed milk , lined my tummy while i knocked back my meds and off i trotted to GP. blood test came back fine, low on iron and folic acid as i suspected but apart from that my insides seem to be alright. no kidney or liver damage.

today (apart from breakfast) my body has been food free .. actually if you consider the laxtive that i ate this morning then even including my breakfast my body is STILL food free. I have had one milky coffee with sugar , i needed a little something after my session in the gym.

I have participated in a Zumba class today not really hardcore but to be honest some days when my bones are too heavy for me to run or swim or row i like to throw myself around and get my heart rate up being a complete lunatic , i have no co ordination what so ever but the hype of the loud music and the banging of feet on the gym floor gets my adrenaline pumping ! pumping ! so much so that i throw myself around frantically, bump into others , face beaming , hair stuck to my face , blistered tootsies , its grrrrreat haaa !!

I'm feeling completely empty at the moment and as dinner time is soon approaching I'm feeling anxious. I literally have no more house work that i can do to distract me. i even bought colouring books  ( guilty pleasure , guilty pleasure ) that i have completedfrom front to back. i dont want to visit any friends or family because there is a risk that i will break my fast , i mean i havent done one for a while and becuase this is my first day i feel vulnerable , at this stage it would be so easy for me ' to start again tomorrow '. I like it when i am 2 days in and then 3 days and nobody is going to convince me and no food could ever seduce me , thats when im at my best .. 

SOS ?? Ideas , Ideas Ideas !! Xx

how i hate Sundays , a whole day wasted with the parent(s) force fed Sunday lunch and made to sit and slumber while i anxiously digest every filthy bit of grease that has been pumped into my body. i will refuse a lift home and walk the 5 miles in the bitter cold of  the Ye English November weather. I am aware that the hike will not melt away the calories that i have reluctantly consumed today but i supposed 5 miles is better than non ??

i love Mondays !! the start of a new week , a new plan . I am going to focus on fasting for as much of this week as possible. I will consume only liquids and of course a little sugar in my tea or coffee. I need a new packet of cigarettes that will be my only saviour. I will suck on the menthol stick when ever i feel the need to eat but to be perfectly honest i don't usually start puffing until later on in the evening . bed time is usually the worst time for me as i cant seem to relax either body or mind. the rush of nicotine will either make me feel so sick i will need to lay down and fall asleep in an attempt to stop the sickness or it will satisfy me in such a way that I will be able to drift away into a lovely sleep ( pah ! I'm being optimistic )

i will visit the doctor first thing in the morning to get my fortnightly dose of happy pills and also collect my recent blood test results , they are now considering a thyroid problem on top of everything.
else. apart from the doctors tomorrow you will only find me in the gym or the library ... or if its a really good day I'll be rattling in a hot shower listening to Adele 21 on repeat .. haaa !!

i hope all of you achieve your goals for tomorrow and the remainder of the week. i will check in as often as i can , my Internet is still not set up at home (not to self * can we please contact virgin media tomorrow and sort out the freeeeaking broadband)

good night , god bless  Xx