fat is most definitely a feeling, thin is the ultimate skill ...

Monday, 20 December 2010

I feel myself getting anxious as i count down the days until christmas ..

I have myself most definitly in the zone - i have been working hard over the weekend but as the hyp & hysteria take over both friends and family everybody is palnning sit down dinners , luncheons , wines & party i am starting to doubt my willpower.

from past experiences i know that the social side of christmas is the most difficult to manage - the constant top up of wine and the craming of mince pies , i dont know how i am going to avoid this. all it takes is one sip of port and my whole day will be in termoil. plus MY BIRTHDAY !! Boxing day my friends have planned a night out on the town - creamy cocktails , rich foods ( i can feel a meltdown already )

If i could get away with it and without raising any concerns i would lock myself in my apartment and hybernate , hot water bottle , handfull of movies , my low fat weightwatchers bread and my canned tomatoes. PERFECTOOO !!

I have already called the gym to check there opening times over the holidays , thankfully they are open so i can breath for a slight second ...

Normally at work i have a strict diet , low cal soup for lunch , low cal bread , apple in the afternoon and maybe a couple cups of coffee thrown in somewhere along the way (skinny coffee might i add ) today its - 5 degress my bones are aching - for some reason my stomach feels the pain more than ever today . pagnes i can normally handle - chomping through sugar free gum is my secret weapon for taming these. today was a different day i warmed up some porridge oats swallow every spoonful , i can feel the thick gloopy mass coat every inch of my throat , my lungs almost and then hits my stomach. for a minute i feel satisfied - 220 cals sat bubbling away - you seriously cant sit there indulging in this uncontrolable behaviour (screams the voice) .. i know what i want to do , what i have to do but i'm at work !

i slip out of the office silently and take myself down the 2 flights of stairs to the toilets that nobody uses - i hear the laughter of the fat nurses coming from the clinic that is adjacent to the toilet , i run the tap and cup the water , each gulp i know will aid me in my conquest..

i push my fingers to the back of my throat , tickling the soft walls I HEIVE SILENTLY ! hurry hurry hurry ! one more ! one more ! the smell of the oats and milk have a reoccuring effect - i spill until my eyes are bulging from my head. tears are streaming down my face ..

i look in the mirror completely satisfied .. i pull the make up powder from my jacket pocket and cover up my blotchy face . i blow my nose , check my teeth and i'm away. i must have been gone a while ?? i panic in case anybody has missed me ?? or anybody is waiting for me ??

i sneak back into my chair - glance around , not even a blink !

i have done it - i am chanting inside , i have suceeded EVEN AT WORK ! i embrace the swollen tonsils , i proudly disguise the redness of my knuckles and i smile as i stare through glossy eyes !!!!


Wednesday, 15 December 2010

apologise for the dissapperaing act.. although iv not actually been anywhere !!its been a while since i last posted . im still here i'v just been keeping quiet..

misery seems to be my middle name , and nasty bitch an alias !! i have learned that i need this blog spot in my life - i disappeared into the background and tried to make myself unnoticed so that nobody could see that i am failing. the positive blogs of the girls successes made me feel like a loser. Everybody seems to be heading in the right direction and i am stationary - weight is just not budging . i was under the impression that i could have had this shit handled by now.

i have been pondering for sometime trying to establish when i was most happy - when was i on top of my game ?? at the time when i split up from 'the guy' i believed that i was the unhappiest i'd ever been but as i look back i realise that i wasnt , i might have been alone but i had a happy place. i was controlled , i was positive , of course i was angry but that angered converted itself into pure determination and this is what i need back in my life. i have been hoping for something tragic or devastating to happen to me so that i can go back to the old me. i loved my drive and i loved that nobody in the world mattered anymore and all i needed to concentrate on was myself - my shape !!

obviously ana has never left me, how could she ?? the voice has always been there telling me what I SHOULD and what I NEED to be doing but its now time for me to take full control. i need to wrap myself up in my little cocoon , in my little world . the only thing that i care about at this precise moment ME!!!!

I have kept to my 'safe foods' and on the odd occasion if i have accidentally sneaked something naughty in to my day i do what any other person who fills there stomach with devil food does THROWS IT UP - i have developed a brilliant technique btw !! i have continued with my gym sessions but will admit to skipping a few .. still a regular and still on first name terms with the reception desk.

i have been shopping on the net , i have ordered PRO ANA goodies , dvd's , books , all kinds of thinspo and im ready to throw myself back into this. i have ordered my supply of diet pills and i am going to take this to the extreme - wish me luck !!!