fat is most definitely a feeling, thin is the ultimate skill ...

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Where's my head at ????

Yesterday was a bad day for me ( eating i did good - total in take aprox 500cals )but my mentally ??? Paaah !! I got myself up , showered , dressed. Made myself up as best as i could and was ready to set out on my daily adventure. Before i left my apartment i went into my room to check my reflection one last time and disaster strikes !!!! the big fat ugly cow that looked back out me screamed at me ' you cant seriously take yourself out looking like that ' !!

i began to take off layers hoping that somehow i would look lighter... but before i could say ' laxative 'i had stripped down to my underwear and stood there wondering how the fuck i could even think about going out. People dont need to see me like this - i would die if anybody i knew could see me looking so disgusting. I slumped on the floor sobbing at the state of my elephant like legs , my doughnut looking stomach and my American footballer looking shoulders !!!

i put on my jamas and sat myself in front of the TV and watched any bit of TV thinspo i could find on the box.. i didn't move all day - it was a beautiful day outside and was my last day off work so i really wanted to make the most of it. Instead i sat on the sofa opened my pad of a4 paper and decided to write a letter - fuck knows who i was writing to but i hoped that getting everything out of my head and onto paper i would feel better - it helped .

later when it got dark - wrapped myself up in my biggest coat with my hood up and headed out of town where nobody know me. I walked around for a couple of hours just thinking -

i have ignored texts and calls from my friends today i just wanted to be on my own . Imagined what they would say if they could see me right now - they dont understand the reality of this and there narrow minds would not even try to understand - so i suffer in silence ( which suits me fine ).

I dragged my ass home round 10ish and fell asleep on the sofa - i dont go to my bedroom to sleep anymore because i just lay there restless until early hours.

Woke up early this morning - still feeling FUGLY but my weigh in confirmed i has lost another 1 lb - set me up for the day.

Down -Up -Down -Up ... I'm beginning to see a pattern here

apologise for all the waffle dolls ...

much love xx

Thursday, 18 March 2010

feelin better ...

i took some time off work and decided to visit my friend, she lives out of town so i stayed for a whole week. - she's like my therapist. I spent the whole week bitching , laughing , crying, chatting , drinking - I haven't seen her for almost 6 months so it was a good time to catch up and at the same time i got a lot of things off my chest. I have felt rage over these recent months and have felt so low. I have wrestled with a few demons now i feel focused again on the one thing i actually give a dam about - MY WEIGHT !!!

i have a new gym membership now and i am determined to lose some lbs - especially now that summer is fast approaching. THINK THIN !! i have also been to the library and took out some books relating to ana and other girls experiences ( i only got through half of each book - the 1st half full of facts and the 2nd half always concluding in the recovery process ... but as i am NOT anorexic pointless read )

my weigh in this morning confirmed that i have lost 3lbs since last week so i feel refreshed and motivated. I still have a few more days off work so i am going to drag my ass to the gym everyday and sweat it out until my legs and arms dont work anymore.. Bliss !!!

hope you girls are cool and are staying positive ..

be back soon Xx