fat is most definitely a feeling, thin is the ultimate skill ...

Friday, 12 June 2009

waaaaaaahoo !!! mission acomplished - well not literally but im one step closer to heaven baaaby. weigh in this morning - 145lbs .OVERJOYED i was 152lbs ..

so ladies just to update you . i have actually been eating and it has actually worked . ABC is definatley my new thing. fuuuuck the fasting . i have been steadily counting calories and eating 500 .. 300 ... 200 .. semi - fast (maybe chompimg on the odd carrot stick - or shoving a waffer thin piece of ham in my mouth ) SUCESS . after weeks of ' not really getting anywhere ' i have lost 7lbs just this week :)

on a darker note . wednesday it was - i clicked onto facebook scanning my ex profile and the c**nt is in a relationship. absolutely heart broken considering we only finshed 3 weeks ago. i felt sick as soon as i saw it . i starting shouting , screaming, sobbing . i couldnt believe what i was seeing. the selfish bastard didnt even think to delete me from his friends list. didnt even have the balls to tell me - anyways after 2 hours of sobbing histerically i drown my sorrows in a bottle of red. absolutely suicidal i locked myself in my room and contempalted putting an end t my misery- FUCK NO !! i would not let him win. i would not let him do this to me.i wouldnt let him do that to my family and friends . im better than that but the thought was there. i phoned the samaritans - a help line . i talked with a guy who basically let me rambble on and on about my situation with dogg face .. i talked about the fat bitch that i have turned into .. about my relationship with my mama & her raging husband. by the end i was feeling much better. he arranged to call me back thurday..

in other news i have been to veiw an apartment today - i have fallen in love with it . i have advised the agent that i am dying to move in. i have filled in all the ppwk and paid my fees so fingers crossed laaaaydeez. i hope i get it. i feel i need my independence back. i will desperately miss my room mate but she is loved up at the minute. he is at our place every day and nyt. basically lives there. obviously not the greaset arrangement - i feel i need my own space. at least this way i have something to concentrate on. something to put all my effort into ( as of ana isnt enough lmao )

thanks for reading ..

much love Xx

Monday, 8 June 2009

not feelin it today girlies .. i feel like iv done nothing put eat . to sumaries 1 x cupa soup 104cals , spoonful coleslaw 34cals , small salad (not sure too sure) 80cals , half tin veg soup 134cals and a vanilla slice 113cals. GRAND TOTAL 465 . i know its not loads but i feel likei have been constantly shoveling food into my big fat gob. eeewh !!

im still up at my mas - i feel sick at the thought of a weigh in . i have been away from my scales since friday but im going home tonight . what wil the scales say ??!!! ooooooh i hope its attractive. i hope i have made some progress fingers crossed **

i am really disappointed that i have not done any exercise either.. i desperately want to go to the gym but my ex fella goes to the same gym ( he bought us yearly memberships together - how cute NOT !!)the thought of seeinmg him makes me sick to my stomach .. its painfull enough knowing that he is still walking this earth . knowing that he is still alive and getting on with his life when all i want to do is die. the thoght of not being with him is driving me insane.....

*.... but i love him millions
*.... hes what i want

all the energy i use up daily thinking and wondering about him i wish i could channel to other parts of my body my day would be electric ... i would be exercising every millisecond of the day . my mindset would be focused on my calorie counting . and if i could only smile as much i smiled when i was with him then people would stop being concerned about me and stop thinking im tip toeing along the borders of a nervous breakdown ... arrrrrrrrrgh . i hate you so much right now !!!!!

lots of love ..

miserably fat Xx

Sunday, 7 June 2009

quest for perfection - i am shocked at the annoymous comment that somebody made on your page . its your life - people shouldnt judge others by their own standards. she is probly a fake herself. anyways - you abolutely kicked ass !!

so last night was a nightmare for me .. was so so so so hungry . i tried to keep busy most of the night. watching TV , reading , smokin , drinking cup after cup after cup of coffee. i eventually fell asleep bout 3.00am. i had succeeded, yesterday i consumed half cup of custard 108cals corn on the cob 100cals and a slice of pizza 110cals. i was feeling proud - i thought yesterday was going to be an UGLY day but i really contolled myself .. happy days.

alright - yesterday during my battle to keep busy. i took some fotos . i spent bout an hour in different positions in an attempt to get the best shot. i am going to up load a couple of pictures today . im very nervous because i am still FAT !!

i hope i dont disgust you dolls too much .. eeeeek Xx

Saturday, 6 June 2009

quick quick quick - i have to log on... iv just got home form work . desperate to get on here before i break out into a full ' of the rictor scale ' style BINGE !! tday iv have witnessed the majority of my work buddies stuff ' whopper ' after ' fries ' after ' milkshake ' after ' chicken bite ' after ' cheeseburger' etc etc into their big fat greedy mouths.. while i sat at my dest eating half a cup of warm custarrd off the smallest spoon in history. gaaaaawd am i hungry ..

not been on the scales today - having a fat day (ha no change there then) im up at my ma's for the evenin buuuut bonus. nobody is home. theyv gone away for the weekend. house to myself ... no big dinners to eat . Result !! iv had to get away from my house mate. driiiiving me insane. my eating is become an issue wit her . she comments religiously at the ammount of times she catches me in the mirror
top rolled , pants rolled down as far as possible, sucking in everything that i can . desperate to see bone-age !!

iv sent a letter today to that ex fella of mine - basically for my own peace of mind. i needed closure . everything has been left up in the air and i am drifting from day to day constantly wondering.at least now i know there is no going back , its not up to me anymore. definatley for the best . altho i do miss him and have constant ache in my heart im sure things will get better - i once heard time is a great healer - we'll see.

gorgeous tulip - i have emialed you * talk soon :)

i am going to catch up with all your blogs now .. my favourite part .

stay strong - think thin Xx

Thursday, 4 June 2009

hello gorgeous girlies ... so not posted for a few days, hmmmm where to start. well last friday me and a girlfriend decided we would have a nyt in. we partied pretty hard.. altho i was in bed shortly after midnight. had a bangig headache and had thrown up for what seemed like forever. not sure where it came from as i had been fasting for the majority of the week. aaaaaaanyways , i jumped on the scale on saturday morning utterlery infactuated with the reading 9st 13lbs - omg i couldnt believe it. so so so so happy ... didnt last long :( i went to the haidresses on saturday morning to get my new hair. after everything going on in my life ( me depressed about my weight, depressed about the split with my boyf ) i decided i wanted to change me.. i mean the old me wasnt workin !!! previously mid blonde i am now officially a red head..and its short and i luuuuuuuuv it. my smile didnt last long when i returned home i jumped on the scale hoping that my new hair would mean even more weight loss - but no !! - pure devastation i weighed exactly the same as i did yesterday despite throwing up most of the night, despite the scale reading 9 st 13lbs and despite my my new du. not impressed - BOOOOOOO !!

i presume that i was so dehydrated that i had no water in my body to weigh in - eeeeek. not a good idea to starv and dehydrate so i decided ' get over it '.

i have had quite a good week this week. i have consumed no more than 300 cals per day. (no change in weight though - to be perfectly honest iv not been exercising enough. 20 minute runs before work and not exactly going to help with my pro ana life style i desperatly need to work harder and for longer ) iv had an ugly breakout of coldsores - ewwwwh . i have three in total. my house mate is getting worried about me. shes constantly commenting on my weight, on my eating and on my appearance. she says that i look so tired and run down because im not eating properly.( i am i am i am - i tell her )last nyt when i came home from work she has cooked me up a full plate of chicken n sauce with chips and vegtables.. i had to eat it in front of her - i felt disgustin. i couldnt even purge , that would have been too obvious. she would of heard me anyways. this is not good laaaaydeez.

in other news . i have decided i need to get myself a weekend job. me and my best friend are planning a trip around america next summer and to fund this i need to be makin mega bucks. i already have a full time job but its defo not enuuuuuuuff. plus i figure that if i busy busy busy there wil be no time to spend money , definatley no time to eat and just think of all the calories i will be burning working 7 days. happy daaaaaaaays . fingers crossed - sooner rather than later

oooooh well thats ne done for today. guna read some of your blogs now ... im dying to find out how ppl are getting on with the ABC - thinking bout trying it..

take care daaaaarlins

keep up the good work Xx