fat is most definitely a feeling, thin is the ultimate skill ...

Monday, 20 December 2010

I feel myself getting anxious as i count down the days until christmas ..

I have myself most definitly in the zone - i have been working hard over the weekend but as the hyp & hysteria take over both friends and family everybody is palnning sit down dinners , luncheons , wines & party i am starting to doubt my willpower.

from past experiences i know that the social side of christmas is the most difficult to manage - the constant top up of wine and the craming of mince pies , i dont know how i am going to avoid this. all it takes is one sip of port and my whole day will be in termoil. plus MY BIRTHDAY !! Boxing day my friends have planned a night out on the town - creamy cocktails , rich foods ( i can feel a meltdown already )

If i could get away with it and without raising any concerns i would lock myself in my apartment and hybernate , hot water bottle , handfull of movies , my low fat weightwatchers bread and my canned tomatoes. PERFECTOOO !!

I have already called the gym to check there opening times over the holidays , thankfully they are open so i can breath for a slight second ...

Normally at work i have a strict diet , low cal soup for lunch , low cal bread , apple in the afternoon and maybe a couple cups of coffee thrown in somewhere along the way (skinny coffee might i add ) today its - 5 degress my bones are aching - for some reason my stomach feels the pain more than ever today . pagnes i can normally handle - chomping through sugar free gum is my secret weapon for taming these. today was a different day i warmed up some porridge oats swallow every spoonful , i can feel the thick gloopy mass coat every inch of my throat , my lungs almost and then hits my stomach. for a minute i feel satisfied - 220 cals sat bubbling away - you seriously cant sit there indulging in this uncontrolable behaviour (screams the voice) .. i know what i want to do , what i have to do but i'm at work !

i slip out of the office silently and take myself down the 2 flights of stairs to the toilets that nobody uses - i hear the laughter of the fat nurses coming from the clinic that is adjacent to the toilet , i run the tap and cup the water , each gulp i know will aid me in my conquest..

i push my fingers to the back of my throat , tickling the soft walls I HEIVE SILENTLY ! hurry hurry hurry ! one more ! one more ! the smell of the oats and milk have a reoccuring effect - i spill until my eyes are bulging from my head. tears are streaming down my face ..

i look in the mirror completely satisfied .. i pull the make up powder from my jacket pocket and cover up my blotchy face . i blow my nose , check my teeth and i'm away. i must have been gone a while ?? i panic in case anybody has missed me ?? or anybody is waiting for me ??

i sneak back into my chair - glance around , not even a blink !

i have done it - i am chanting inside , i have suceeded EVEN AT WORK ! i embrace the swollen tonsils , i proudly disguise the redness of my knuckles and i smile as i stare through glossy eyes !!!!


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