fat is most definitely a feeling, thin is the ultimate skill ...

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

apologise for the dissapperaing act.. although iv not actually been anywhere !!its been a while since i last posted . im still here i'v just been keeping quiet..

misery seems to be my middle name , and nasty bitch an alias !! i have learned that i need this blog spot in my life - i disappeared into the background and tried to make myself unnoticed so that nobody could see that i am failing. the positive blogs of the girls successes made me feel like a loser. Everybody seems to be heading in the right direction and i am stationary - weight is just not budging . i was under the impression that i could have had this shit handled by now.

i have been pondering for sometime trying to establish when i was most happy - when was i on top of my game ?? at the time when i split up from 'the guy' i believed that i was the unhappiest i'd ever been but as i look back i realise that i wasnt , i might have been alone but i had a happy place. i was controlled , i was positive , of course i was angry but that angered converted itself into pure determination and this is what i need back in my life. i have been hoping for something tragic or devastating to happen to me so that i can go back to the old me. i loved my drive and i loved that nobody in the world mattered anymore and all i needed to concentrate on was myself - my shape !!

obviously ana has never left me, how could she ?? the voice has always been there telling me what I SHOULD and what I NEED to be doing but its now time for me to take full control. i need to wrap myself up in my little cocoon , in my little world . the only thing that i care about at this precise moment ME!!!!

I have kept to my 'safe foods' and on the odd occasion if i have accidentally sneaked something naughty in to my day i do what any other person who fills there stomach with devil food does THROWS IT UP - i have developed a brilliant technique btw !! i have continued with my gym sessions but will admit to skipping a few .. still a regular and still on first name terms with the reception desk.

i have been shopping on the net , i have ordered PRO ANA goodies , dvd's , books , all kinds of thinspo and im ready to throw myself back into this. i have ordered my supply of diet pills and i am going to take this to the extreme - wish me luck !!!


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