fat is most definitely a feeling, thin is the ultimate skill ...

Sunday, 2 May 2010

so im lay on the sofa after demolishing 2 bowls of cereal .. id already munched my way through a full English when i clocked off work this morning. my second job was supposed to be keeping me busy and my attention off food. but when your walking through town at 7am and your walking past cafe's and coffee shops ; its cold outside so you think a quick stop warm myself on a mug of coffee and the fat biaaaaaatch inside you just cant say NO !!! you end up ordering the fattest thing they have to offer - and you dont eevn throw it up because the thought of bacon and sausage's coming back up seems like so much effort , and there is only 1 toilet !!! arrrrrrrrrrh !!

i got home hopped on the scales and was completely disappointed that iv gained 4lbs this week . hardly surprising is it if you consider my behaviour today. i must admit my BIG EAT days are becoming more and more of a habit. Fuck knows what I'm thanking , i dont get anything from the episodes apart from extra pounds. i always feel dissatisfied once iv had a big eat . i need t start punishing myself. a punch to the stomach maybe - may possibly result in me throwing up ha! result - double points. JUST KIDDIN ( you shouldn't be fuuuuuucking eating anyways you fat fuck !!!!!!! )

another depressing point that i want to add relates to my period ??? I find my self in a constant repetition , a cycle (obviously) but like im trapped on a Merry round or something. My body is constantly revolving itself around my period. I get cravings for chocolate and fatty foods 8n the week leading up to my period , sometimes results in huge binges then during my actually period my body swells almost another dress size. My butt is chunky my boobs are bigger my hips look like somebody has just sewed sand bags on each side and my stomach pops out. I weigh between 5 and 7 lbs more than i usually do while im on my period. The week after i spend my time shrinking backto the usual size and can relax for a couple of days and the the cravings start and the road to nowhere suddenly starrs again !! AM I FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE HERE OR WHAT????? I CANT DEAL !!!!!!!!!


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