fat is most definitely a feeling, thin is the ultimate skill ...

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

wow ! wow ! wow ! cant tell you how long it has been .. I swear if I was to blog as much as I tweet i wouldn't get anything done. I mean 45 characters , being read by friends and ex-colleagues I have to be particular with what I write , its usually all for effect  , well some of it I let myself go but usually its pretty grim , no real substance to what i write. ' I like Christmas ' ' My dog is so cute' ' Cant wait to get home' Im surprised i still have followers..

Anyhow I'm visiting today to confess a few things ... life changing actually no matter how much I'm in denial !

I'm pregnant !!!!!!!

That very statement cringes me ! So much, I wont let anybody else say it .. Wont let anybody speak of it ..

I'm actually coming into my second trimester (official terminology) which means 12 weeks .. I'm due my ultra sound on Friday.

I cant believe it ! I don't want to believe it ! The feeling is surreal !

My boyfriend is delighted and so are both families ... a gift from god they tell me.

I'm ashamed to say it out right, but I don't feel the connection. I know that I hate being pregnant , I hate everything about it. I feel alien ! I'm looking at my swollen stomach and my growing breast and I just feel like taking a knife and cutting them all off ! All i can think about it gaining weight , my fat face , my fat arms and fat legs.. I swear even my toes and fingers are fat .. THE PREGNANCY GLOW is non-existent don't be fooled.

I have always thought of myself being single and free  .. forever ! Clung to the Peter Pan in me , the girl who never grows up ! I never imagined that I would ever be responsible for the life of another human being , its terrifying !

In all honesty I feel I am 'stuck' now , bound to the babies father for life .. (an obvious conclusion I know) I feel like my freedom has been taken away from me and I am devastated. Ideally I would not of wanted to be a single parent so I should be grateful that my partner is excited to be starting a family but if I think really hard about it I'm not convinced I would have chosen him to do it with , I mean I have loved him before and in the beginning I thought he was the only person for me , who understood me, we really connected but over time I feel I have outgrown him and our perceptions on life and so different.

This pregnancy has me doubting my entire relationship , I'm questioning my motives , my goals ,  my future.

I'm in a situation I have no control over .... control ... can you guess who I have turned too .. sad face*

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey gorgeous!
First things first, congratulations - I bet you're sick of hearing that by now. I totally understand where you are coming from, though. Please stay healthy and strong, for your baby if anything.
Love you always and I hope all is well,
Emily xxx