fat is most definitely a feeling, thin is the ultimate skill ...

Monday, 1 April 2013

hello to anybody reading this ..

Chickadee i have seen your comments and i thank you for taking the time to write.

the story to date :  passed exams, found job, moved house, made friends, socialised, traveled, committed to a relationship, weekly therapy sessions, dis continued medication, a baby nephew and a dog good times... twisted three hundred sixty .. depression, lost job , incurred debt, lost house, lost relationships, kept dog , parents house,  bitch mother , retarded step- dad, anxiety, frustration, fat.

so this is me again 12 months later ...

I'm getting sucked back in and for me this is not a problem, I am actually running with this why fight it ? I have a history here and its comforting , and its important to know that when everything else fails i still have my trusted loyal friend ana to pick me back up and give me direction and motivation.

I have to indulge I have lots of time now and I am in the environment where I can play the game.. I know for a fact that being at my parents house will get me the attention that I need. I have the audience participation that makes me feel strong and empowered. They are the type to notice and challenge my behaviors which just makes me more determined,

I go back to the time when i worked in an office full of women that often commented and participated in my weight loss, accidentally reactivated a Facebook account from that time I was presented with picture posts full of skinny pictures and envious comments. at the time i thought i was enormous and turns out i was the tinniest i'd been since being 12 years old, it was good to see. so i figure that i strive better when people become involved. Sadistic in a sense, i get off on other peoples incapabilities or failed attempts have having any impact in my choices, nobody can stop me doing what i do.

I have worked up quite an appetite over recent months so my first focus will be to reduce the sugar and fat in my diet.. after the sugar and fat i will then cut out the carbs .. i still have my safe list tattooed to my brain. I just need to revise the calorie contents in certain foods because these have become blurred over time. Once i get into my routine which i hope will be in the next couple of weeks I start making a note of my stats.. my goal weight , targets, exercise plans etc and i can keep my blog .

all i have to say is watch this space ... god knows i'm going to need you Xx

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