the past couple of days have been shameful, what i thought was a birthday drink with my BF on Sunday turned into a pre Christmas party. I had been at my friends since Sunday (until yesterday) and being ' the guest ' I have been spoiled. food ! wine ! etc ! * etc meaning too many things to mention , embarrassed , frustrated with myself. I had been doing great. why do i let all my inhibitions go when i have company , why do i feel that in a single moment its fine .. its never f*cking fine though is it ?? the most pleasant thing about our rendezvous was putting up the Christmas tree an little head of schedule, the only time i smiled.

i was so desperate to get home , i wanted to throw up so bad. I had withdrawals from my meds , i wanted my happy pills , my lax. i wanted to empty all of the sat fat that had been soaking into my bones , blood , skin yaaak !  i want to go the gym so bad but i don't have the energy. i feel absolutely deflated , defeated. I am beating my brain in trying to calculate and weigh up how many lbs i will have put on. i'm overwhelmed with dread.

im punching myself in the stomach right now ...

i had theeeee best comment on Saturday too before the mega binge. I was out dancing on Saturday night with some girlfriends when a friend of a friend claimed i looked underweight and after watching me drink water the whole nigh we were out partying she asked ' are you anorexic or something ??? '

obviously not - look at my stats biiiiatch

my stomach must have stretched out now so i am worried its going to want filling back up again. once i start eating i honestly honestly cant stop . new plan needed urgently , fast fast fast its the only way to shrink it back.

my sincere apologies if you feel demotivated by me , its not my intention. i just had to come and get it off my chest. a confession if you like.