Where's my head at ????
Yesterday was a bad day for me ( eating i did good - total in take aprox 500cals )but my mentally ??? Paaah !! I got myself up , showered , dressed. Made myself up as best as i could and was ready to set out on my daily adventure. Before i left my apartment i went into my room to check my reflection one last time and disaster strikes !!!! the big fat ugly cow that looked back out me screamed at me ' you cant seriously take yourself out looking like that ' !!
i began to take off layers hoping that somehow i would look lighter... but before i could say ' laxative 'i had stripped down to my underwear and stood there wondering how the fuck i could even think about going out. People dont need to see me like this - i would die if anybody i knew could see me looking so disgusting. I slumped on the floor sobbing at the state of my elephant like legs , my doughnut looking stomach and my American footballer looking shoulders !!!
i put on my jamas and sat myself in front of the TV and watched any bit of TV thinspo i could find on the box.. i didn't move all day - it was a beautiful day outside and was my last day off work so i really wanted to make the most of it. Instead i sat on the sofa opened my pad of a4 paper and decided to write a letter - fuck knows who i was writing to but i hoped that getting everything out of my head and onto paper i would feel better - it helped .
later when it got dark - wrapped myself up in my biggest coat with my hood up and headed out of town where nobody know me. I walked around for a couple of hours just thinking -
i have ignored texts and calls from my friends today i just wanted to be on my own . Imagined what they would say if they could see me right now - they dont understand the reality of this and there narrow minds would not even try to understand - so i suffer in silence ( which suits me fine ).
I dragged my ass home round 10ish and fell asleep on the sofa - i dont go to my bedroom to sleep anymore because i just lay there restless until early hours.
Woke up early this morning - still feeling FUGLY but my weigh in confirmed i has lost another 1 lb - set me up for the day.
Down -Up -Down -Up ... I'm beginning to see a pattern here
apologise for all the waffle dolls ...
much love xx