Good morning angels !

This is my first stop this morning even before checking my Twitter  .

Today the going be the start of something productive and productive! I have already checked the time table at the gym and after work I am in for a good session. I have a body combat class ,indoor cycling  and a session on the weights.. Fortunately for me I have a good spotting partner :):)

I have packed my lunch today and it consists of 2 slices of wholemeal bread a tangerine green apple and  cereal bars x 2 I have also slipped in a couple of fennel tea bags,  I struggle with my intake of fluids mainly because I hate water and usually only drink it in a coffee but I am turning my back on caffeine and my herbal teas will become my main source of liquid intake and I also figure the warm water will fill my tummy too.

I hope you achieve your goals that you have set for yourselves today ..  I will come back later and update you with my progress. Xx

hello to anybody reading this ..

Chickadee i have seen your comments and i thank you for taking the time to write.

the story to date :  passed exams, found job, moved house, made friends, socialised, traveled, committed to a relationship, weekly therapy sessions, dis continued medication, a baby nephew and a dog good times... twisted three hundred sixty .. depression, lost job , incurred debt, lost house, lost relationships, kept dog , parents house,  bitch mother , retarded step- dad, anxiety, frustration, fat.

so this is me again 12 months later ...

I'm getting sucked back in and for me this is not a problem, I am actually running with this why fight it ? I have a history here and its comforting , and its important to know that when everything else fails i still have my trusted loyal friend ana to pick me back up and give me direction and motivation.

I have to indulge I have lots of time now and I am in the environment where I can play the game.. I know for a fact that being at my parents house will get me the attention that I need. I have the audience participation that makes me feel strong and empowered. They are the type to notice and challenge my behaviors which just makes me more determined,

I go back to the time when i worked in an office full of women that often commented and participated in my weight loss, accidentally reactivated a Facebook account from that time I was presented with picture posts full of skinny pictures and envious comments. at the time i thought i was enormous and turns out i was the tinniest i'd been since being 12 years old, it was good to see. so i figure that i strive better when people become involved. Sadistic in a sense, i get off on other peoples incapabilities or failed attempts have having any impact in my choices, nobody can stop me doing what i do.

I have worked up quite an appetite over recent months so my first focus will be to reduce the sugar and fat in my diet.. after the sugar and fat i will then cut out the carbs .. i still have my safe list tattooed to my brain. I just need to revise the calorie contents in certain foods because these have become blurred over time. Once i get into my routine which i hope will be in the next couple of weeks I start making a note of my stats.. my goal weight , targets, exercise plans etc and i can keep my blog .

all i have to say is watch this space ... god knows i'm going to need you Xx

I can not remember the last time I  posted ..  I do not know where I  have been since. 

I fimd myself back here - back on my blog looking for something. I am desperate to grab hold of it again. I have an unsettled feeling and I am hoping for some comfort here somthing familiar some sense of control. 

I'm on the caroselle again 

A pattern I see

The numbers feel right , the path I am on is not right. 

I feel myself wondering back to the beginning 

Back to basics 

 

i have reluctantly celebrated my birthday , another year older - dam it !! i feel that i am getting too far into my 20's now that 'normal' people my age might find this obsession ridiculous. completely immature, embarrassing. in my mind i have come to the conclusion that only certain girls, usually below the age of 25 are the only persons to be accepted and acknowledged for having an eating disorder. its an irrational way of thinking i know but i my age i should be career focused , looking to settle , mortgage blah blah blah ..

however i am still living in my 1 bed apartment with no sense of real direction, sure im at college (considered a mature student now) . i am struggling to find steady work to fit around my studies so i'm pretty much broke. i have a casual child minding job on a add hoc basis. i have no real social life , i hardly ever go out dancing. i'm obsessed with skinny celebs , latest trends, diet pills, pro anna blogs and its just hit me I'M ACTUALLY F*ING OLD

i am just concerned that time seems to be rushing past me and i havent been able to grab on and follow friends and colleagues as they have succeeded in there lives with their goals , hopes and dreams. instead i have been counting calories , going backwards and forward with exercise plans, changeing routines, my weight flutuating, my mental illness, deteriorating , adapting to medication , therapy its been and exhausting time for me and only now having reflected on the last 12 months do i seem a little pathetic.  i am thinking about it and trying to justify things but still havent drawn up a conclusion to 2011..

I can get some comfort when i look at the bigger picture. the fact that you cant fix it to one age range. there are people from all backgrounds and of all ages. and when i think of Paris , Nicole , lilo  all of which are around my age  ..  i still feel youngish . then catwalk models , Naomi, Gisele they still have it going on and they are more senior.

hmmmm im starting to feel better about it already .. just because my previous class mates and old friends have settled for the norm doesn't mean i have to be satisfied with the standard Yuk !

Yes thats fine i have talked myself out of feeling shameful .. didnt take long did it ha

i have deleted my old stats , i am not interested in the weight that i didnt manage to lose last year , im going to kick some butt this year , yes i am. P90X at the ready , plus my new bike that i asked received for my birthday ..

i wish you all the best in your conquests ladies and i hope to update you with some fabulous results very very soon

the past couple of days have been shameful, what i thought was a birthday drink with my BF on Sunday turned into a pre Christmas party. I had been at my friends since Sunday (until yesterday) and being ' the guest ' I have been spoiled. food ! wine ! etc ! * etc meaning too many things to mention , embarrassed , frustrated with myself. I had been doing great. why do i let all my inhibitions go when i have company , why do i feel that in a single moment its fine .. its never f*cking fine though is it ?? the most pleasant thing about our rendezvous was putting up the Christmas tree an little head of schedule, the only time i smiled.

i was so desperate to get home , i wanted to throw up so bad. I had withdrawals from my meds , i wanted my happy pills , my lax. i wanted to empty all of the sat fat that had been soaking into my bones , blood , skin yaaak !  i want to go the gym so bad but i don't have the energy. i feel absolutely deflated , defeated. I am beating my brain in trying to calculate and weigh up how many lbs i will have put on. i'm overwhelmed with dread.

im punching myself in the stomach right now ...

i had theeeee best comment on Saturday too before the mega binge. I was out dancing on Saturday night with some girlfriends when a friend of a friend claimed i looked underweight and after watching me drink water the whole nigh we were out partying she asked ' are you anorexic or something ??? '

obviously not - look at my stats biiiiatch

my stomach must have stretched out now so i am worried its going to want filling back up again. once i start eating i honestly honestly cant stop . new plan needed urgently , fast fast fast its the only way to shrink it back.

my sincere apologies if you feel demotivated by me , its not my intention. i just had to come and get it off my chest. a confession if you like.

yesterday was a bad day , i slept through my alarm so i missed my placement i called in ten mins before i was about to start with some lame excuse about me having to cover a shift at my fake paid job that i have invented prior to my interview so that if for any reason i am unable to make it into college or placement i always have a valid excuse for my absence without it being repoted as sickness or unexplained  .. i know its cunning and totally not me but i have to suceed at this course its the step on the ladder , a foot in the door for my desired career.

i had friends come over last night that brought with them wine and goodies .. not so goody for me. i broke my fast .

i have bombed some diet pills today , mcds hot chocloate and a pack of wotsits (my baby nephews wotsits only 95 cals per bag) feeling anxious im at mamma's house she'll be home soon and insist on cooking me dinner , im going to set off home before she gets the chance.

no weigh ins this week , too scared i doubt i have lost much ..

i need some ...

i told you i would try and write as often as i can , totally impressed .

today has been a great day i had a bowl of shredded wheat this morning skimmed milk , lined my tummy while i knocked back my meds and off i trotted to GP. blood test came back fine, low on iron and folic acid as i suspected but apart from that my insides seem to be alright. no kidney or liver damage.

today (apart from breakfast) my body has been food free .. actually if you consider the laxtive that i ate this morning then even including my breakfast my body is STILL food free. I have had one milky coffee with sugar , i needed a little something after my session in the gym.

I have participated in a Zumba class today not really hardcore but to be honest some days when my bones are too heavy for me to run or swim or row i like to throw myself around and get my heart rate up being a complete lunatic , i have no co ordination what so ever but the hype of the loud music and the banging of feet on the gym floor gets my adrenaline pumping ! pumping ! so much so that i throw myself around frantically, bump into others , face beaming , hair stuck to my face , blistered tootsies , its grrrrreat haaa !!

I'm feeling completely empty at the moment and as dinner time is soon approaching I'm feeling anxious. I literally have no more house work that i can do to distract me. i even bought colouring books  ( guilty pleasure , guilty pleasure ) that i have completedfrom front to back. i dont want to visit any friends or family because there is a risk that i will break my fast , i mean i havent done one for a while and becuase this is my first day i feel vulnerable , at this stage it would be so easy for me ' to start again tomorrow '. I like it when i am 2 days in and then 3 days and nobody is going to convince me and no food could ever seduce me , thats when im at my best .. 

SOS ?? Ideas , Ideas Ideas !! Xx

how i hate Sundays , a whole day wasted with the parent(s) force fed Sunday lunch and made to sit and slumber while i anxiously digest every filthy bit of grease that has been pumped into my body. i will refuse a lift home and walk the 5 miles in the bitter cold of  the Ye English November weather. I am aware that the hike will not melt away the calories that i have reluctantly consumed today but i supposed 5 miles is better than non ??

i love Mondays !! the start of a new week , a new plan . I am going to focus on fasting for as much of this week as possible. I will consume only liquids and of course a little sugar in my tea or coffee. I need a new packet of cigarettes that will be my only saviour. I will suck on the menthol stick when ever i feel the need to eat but to be perfectly honest i don't usually start puffing until later on in the evening . bed time is usually the worst time for me as i cant seem to relax either body or mind. the rush of nicotine will either make me feel so sick i will need to lay down and fall asleep in an attempt to stop the sickness or it will satisfy me in such a way that I will be able to drift away into a lovely sleep ( pah ! I'm being optimistic )

i will visit the doctor first thing in the morning to get my fortnightly dose of happy pills and also collect my recent blood test results , they are now considering a thyroid problem on top of everything.
else. apart from the doctors tomorrow you will only find me in the gym or the library ... or if its a really good day I'll be rattling in a hot shower listening to Adele 21 on repeat .. haaa !!

i hope all of you achieve your goals for tomorrow and the remainder of the week. i will check in as often as i can , my Internet is still not set up at home (not to self * can we please contact virgin media tomorrow and sort out the freeeeaking broadband)

good night , god bless  Xx

I've had the talk that me and my fat self needed to have this evening. i am starting again , i have lazed about too often and i am not happy and i am so unsettled in my average skin. i want more , i want the pain , i want the drive , i want the bones ..

I'm putting the past few months behind me , i am drawing a line , i will seek out new bloggers as it seems that some of the girls over time have disappeared . i am in need of some knew energy , some fresh ideas and new approaches , i am kicking my enormous ass into touch.

i am going to post regular and rad blogs. I am going to stay up most nights researching , collating my thinspo , over indulging in our pro ana world. i am going to consume diet pills , illegal substances when possible , gym , track , pool

tomorrow , tomorrow i love you tomorrow !! Xx

i feel like im failing. the one thing i had total fucking control over is slowly slipping away. i dont know if this is because im getting better or its because im a complete joke and cant even keep up with the task in hand.

im petrified about gaining weight and i am a million miles away from being ' content ' but my eating habits recently have become lazy and some what NORMAL. I am keeping a food diary (as per) but i am not serious about keeping the number low . i keep thinking ' ohhhh fuck it ' you can start again tomorrow.. and then think because i am starting again tomorrow i can eat what i want for the rest of the day- this cycle has continued for almost a week.

I need to stay away from friends and family, they seem to find any excuse to eat. to celebrate they will eat , to watch a movie they will eat , to go on a date they will eat. i don't want to be around people like that - i want to obsess about calories and read books about weight loss. i want to cut out pictures from magazines and re arrange my fav celebs in order of size , i want to be where i used to be . i felt happy when i was in my weird little world and there was only me to fight with and me to contend with.

i need to make a new deal with myself - a belated new years resolution ' go back to being a recluse girl ' .. do what you do best !

remember what this is all about and remember why you are doing it .. you need to be thin ! if you are thin you are beautiful ! if you are thin you will be happy ! being average is NOT acceptable ! being average you might as well be FAT ! YOU ARE FAT ! FAT is ugly ! YOU ARE UGLY ! STARVE = THIN - FACT !!

STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE STARVE .....

happy new year gorgeous girlies !!

great start to the year - I'm in therapy .. not because of my rebellious eating habits but its more to do with the deterioration of my mental health. recently i have been suffering from bouts of psychosis which to be honest has had me freaking out. i have been hallucinating the most strangest things , somtimes magical which i tend not to be too disturbed over but then there are the not so magically things that haunt me sometimes all through the day.

my therapist suggests that i take some happy pills but looking through my notes she pointed out that there is a chance that the pills will make me gain weight , to which i have a phobia (obvs)so its not even debatable - i will just have to ride this thing out COLD TURKEY - did i really just mention turkey ?? Yuk

I'm not too sure how long these sessions are going to last but I'm hoping not too long , i appreciate the help that i have been given but i don't want them to get too deep . my last session she started to talk about feelings and patterns in my behaviour , eating cropped up - I'm not too comfortable with discussing these, i hate telling people about what happens when the bathroom door closes behind me and my head is sat in a toilet bowl.

I would prefer them to clear my mind free from the poisoned thoughts but leave me to continue my fight against fat , I'm not sure if that is even possible. the mind is a powerful thing i don't know if the two are linked.

Only time can tell ..

stay strong , stay thin XxXx

I feel myself getting anxious as i count down the days until christmas ..

I have myself most definitly in the zone - i have been working hard over the weekend but as the hyp & hysteria take over both friends and family everybody is palnning sit down dinners , luncheons , wines & party i am starting to doubt my willpower.

from past experiences i know that the social side of christmas is the most difficult to manage - the constant top up of wine and the craming of mince pies , i dont know how i am going to avoid this. all it takes is one sip of port and my whole day will be in termoil. plus MY BIRTHDAY !! Boxing day my friends have planned a night out on the town - creamy cocktails , rich foods ( i can feel a meltdown already )

If i could get away with it and without raising any concerns i would lock myself in my apartment and hybernate , hot water bottle , handfull of movies , my low fat weightwatchers bread and my canned tomatoes. PERFECTOOO !!

I have already called the gym to check there opening times over the holidays , thankfully they are open so i can breath for a slight second ...

Normally at work i have a strict diet , low cal soup for lunch , low cal bread , apple in the afternoon and maybe a couple cups of coffee thrown in somewhere along the way (skinny coffee might i add ) today its - 5 degress my bones are aching - for some reason my stomach feels the pain more than ever today . pagnes i can normally handle - chomping through sugar free gum is my secret weapon for taming these. today was a different day i warmed up some porridge oats swallow every spoonful , i can feel the thick gloopy mass coat every inch of my throat , my lungs almost and then hits my stomach. for a minute i feel satisfied - 220 cals sat bubbling away - you seriously cant sit there indulging in this uncontrolable behaviour (screams the voice) .. i know what i want to do , what i have to do but i'm at work !

i slip out of the office silently and take myself down the 2 flights of stairs to the toilets that nobody uses - i hear the laughter of the fat nurses coming from the clinic that is adjacent to the toilet , i run the tap and cup the water , each gulp i know will aid me in my conquest..

i push my fingers to the back of my throat , tickling the soft walls I HEIVE SILENTLY ! hurry hurry hurry ! one more ! one more ! the smell of the oats and milk have a reoccuring effect - i spill until my eyes are bulging from my head. tears are streaming down my face ..

i look in the mirror completely satisfied .. i pull the make up powder from my jacket pocket and cover up my blotchy face . i blow my nose , check my teeth and i'm away. i must have been gone a while ?? i panic in case anybody has missed me ?? or anybody is waiting for me ??

i sneak back into my chair - glance around , not even a blink !

i have done it - i am chanting inside , i have suceeded EVEN AT WORK ! i embrace the swollen tonsils , i proudly disguise the redness of my knuckles and i smile as i stare through glossy eyes !!!!

JOB WELL DONE Xx

apologise for the dissapperaing act.. although iv not actually been anywhere !!its been a while since i last posted . im still here i'v just been keeping quiet..

misery seems to be my middle name , and nasty bitch an alias !! i have learned that i need this blog spot in my life - i disappeared into the background and tried to make myself unnoticed so that nobody could see that i am failing. the positive blogs of the girls successes made me feel like a loser. Everybody seems to be heading in the right direction and i am stationary - weight is just not budging . i was under the impression that i could have had this shit handled by now.

i have been pondering for sometime trying to establish when i was most happy - when was i on top of my game ?? at the time when i split up from 'the guy' i believed that i was the unhappiest i'd ever been but as i look back i realise that i wasnt , i might have been alone but i had a happy place. i was controlled , i was positive , of course i was angry but that angered converted itself into pure determination and this is what i need back in my life. i have been hoping for something tragic or devastating to happen to me so that i can go back to the old me. i loved my drive and i loved that nobody in the world mattered anymore and all i needed to concentrate on was myself - my shape !!

obviously ana has never left me, how could she ?? the voice has always been there telling me what I SHOULD and what I NEED to be doing but its now time for me to take full control. i need to wrap myself up in my little cocoon , in my little world . the only thing that i care about at this precise moment ME!!!!

I have kept to my 'safe foods' and on the odd occasion if i have accidentally sneaked something naughty in to my day i do what any other person who fills there stomach with devil food does THROWS IT UP - i have developed a brilliant technique btw !! i have continued with my gym sessions but will admit to skipping a few .. still a regular and still on first name terms with the reception desk.

i have been shopping on the net , i have ordered PRO ANA goodies , dvd's , books , all kinds of thinspo and im ready to throw myself back into this. i have ordered my supply of diet pills and i am going to take this to the extreme - wish me luck !!!

xx

acai berries and colon cleanse ... I have just bought myself 4 months worth of each product. I have been researching slimming pills and this combo has been reviewed and apparently it really does work. I am on my second day already and am feeling possitive. The berry is found in the rain forest and has positive effects. Ist great for skin and skin its full of vitimins and minerals and helps with your digestive system. It speeds up you matabolism and surpresses appetiti at the same time. All natural and no real side effects. The colon cleanse is self explainary and works along side the berry and helps with you digestion with the intake of food you comsume. So with my new pills im feelin confident... With a helping of double spinning lessons . Bring it on !!!!

Today i have eaten 1 x pita laced with homous .. 1 piece water melon and an overdose of caffiene.. That'll do for today :) i have a night shift tonight at my second job so im going to be active right through til tmomorrow - starting again at my 1st job 9.00am. Stressed, overworked , and dosed up on slimming aids... These lbs must go !!!

My thinspo for today is Big Bro 7 Nicky Grahame. She has been in the papers recently as she has dropped form her ting 7st to a minature 5st 9lbs in a just 3 months ... I wish that my weight would plumet like that - its not fair !!!!!! xX

so im lay on the sofa after demolishing 2 bowls of cereal .. id already munched my way through a full English when i clocked off work this morning. my second job was supposed to be keeping me busy and my attention off food. but when your walking through town at 7am and your walking past cafe's and coffee shops ; its cold outside so you think a quick stop warm myself on a mug of coffee and the fat biaaaaaatch inside you just cant say NO !!! you end up ordering the fattest thing they have to offer - and you dont eevn throw it up because the thought of bacon and sausage's coming back up seems like so much effort , and there is only 1 toilet !!! arrrrrrrrrrh !!

i got home hopped on the scales and was completely disappointed that iv gained 4lbs this week . hardly surprising is it if you consider my behaviour today. i must admit my BIG EAT days are becoming more and more of a habit. Fuck knows what I'm thanking , i dont get anything from the episodes apart from extra pounds. i always feel dissatisfied once iv had a big eat . i need t start punishing myself. a punch to the stomach maybe - may possibly result in me throwing up ha! result - double points. JUST KIDDIN ( you shouldn't be fuuuuuucking eating anyways you fat fuck !!!!!!! )

another depressing point that i want to add relates to my period ??? I find my self in a constant repetition , a cycle (obviously) but like im trapped on a Merry round or something. My body is constantly revolving itself around my period. I get cravings for chocolate and fatty foods 8n the week leading up to my period , sometimes results in huge binges then during my actually period my body swells almost another dress size. My butt is chunky my boobs are bigger my hips look like somebody has just sewed sand bags on each side and my stomach pops out. I weigh between 5 and 7 lbs more than i usually do while im on my period. The week after i spend my time shrinking backto the usual size and can relax for a couple of days and the the cravings start and the road to nowhere suddenly starrs again !! AM I FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE HERE OR WHAT????? I CANT DEAL !!!!!!!!!

Xx

its official - iv got acne !!!!

I went to visit the doctor yesterday to try and get something to help with skin. I was reluctant to go at first because i thought the doctor would notice that im undernurished and that the cause of the spots was down to my diet - or lack of it. To my horror she actually diagnosed mewith acne; although its not a serious case i do still have it. I thought that only teenagers got acne im in my fucking 20s - apparently it effects males during their teens however females usually get it early 20s . wTF !!! im a fat spotty fuck , as if i dont have enogh problems ????


Iv got double classes at the gym tnyt i need work my ass off. Iv put on a couple of lbs this week indulged way too muchchocolate and busicuits !!!!

I need to get my act together , get somw kind of routine in place. Im all over the place at the moment. I dont feel focused at all . I was doing well in previous weeks

/omebody help me !!!!!!!!! xx

huge workout at the gym last nyt.. very little in take yesterday. same planned for today. Iv eaten a cereal bar and half a crumpet, that will do for today. Iv got a double class tonight at the gym. Curcuit training and spinnin . Might consider getting my enormous ass on the scales - or maybe i wont !!!

My skin looks nasty - i have huge spots on my chin and on my head. Iv been takin vitamins but they dont seem to have an effect. I have special face wash too but that too is hopeless. I look a state, and my conceler wont hide these horrible boils. YUK !!!! Im disgusting :(

hope you gorgeous girlies are feelin well - keep up the good work !!!!!!

Much love Xx