well its 4.30pm and iv just indulged n a chicken n vegtable cupa soup. Im working til 8.00pm which im not too down about cos ill be busy right the way through. When i get home tonight i have nothng to binge on. I have purposely no food in my cupboards - i will go and sweat it out in the gym for an hour and then straight to bed so the soup that is sitting warm in my stomach is the only thing i will eat today. Yipee !!

I refuse to go to see my mother cos her house is filled with goodies i cant focuse on anything else while im there b, im sure the biscuits and chocolate bars that are stashed in the fridge intercept my brainwaves. I can here them calling my name ' eat me eat me ' they dont stop until im ripping through their wrappers cramming them in my mouth like the ganit i am.

I hope to weigh in this week so i am going to try my hardest - isolation is a MUST !!!!!!!! Xx

after a brilliant weekend with my girlfriends im ready for isolation again. Iv booked my circuit trainning and back to back spinning classes all ready for next week. I will succeed in a complete wipeout .. I was almost there last week, a few fuzzy head days but iv promised myself a mission of self distruction - BRING ON THE PAGNES !!!!


Iv not weighed in for a few days but during my period i avoid the scales - iv learned through preious freak outs and hysterical tantrums its just not worth it. Ill leave it til mid week i think. I just pray that my hard work and retricting makes a difference to the numbers shown last time i checked it.

Xx

Where's my head at ????

Yesterday was a bad day for me ( eating i did good - total in take aprox 500cals )but my mentally ??? Paaah !! I got myself up , showered , dressed. Made myself up as best as i could and was ready to set out on my daily adventure. Before i left my apartment i went into my room to check my reflection one last time and disaster strikes !!!! the big fat ugly cow that looked back out me screamed at me ' you cant seriously take yourself out looking like that ' !!

i began to take off layers hoping that somehow i would look lighter... but before i could say ' laxative 'i had stripped down to my underwear and stood there wondering how the fuck i could even think about going out. People dont need to see me like this - i would die if anybody i knew could see me looking so disgusting. I slumped on the floor sobbing at the state of my elephant like legs , my doughnut looking stomach and my American footballer looking shoulders !!!

i put on my jamas and sat myself in front of the TV and watched any bit of TV thinspo i could find on the box.. i didn't move all day - it was a beautiful day outside and was my last day off work so i really wanted to make the most of it. Instead i sat on the sofa opened my pad of a4 paper and decided to write a letter - fuck knows who i was writing to but i hoped that getting everything out of my head and onto paper i would feel better - it helped .

later when it got dark - wrapped myself up in my biggest coat with my hood up and headed out of town where nobody know me. I walked around for a couple of hours just thinking -

i have ignored texts and calls from my friends today i just wanted to be on my own . Imagined what they would say if they could see me right now - they dont understand the reality of this and there narrow minds would not even try to understand - so i suffer in silence ( which suits me fine ).

I dragged my ass home round 10ish and fell asleep on the sofa - i dont go to my bedroom to sleep anymore because i just lay there restless until early hours.

Woke up early this morning - still feeling FUGLY but my weigh in confirmed i has lost another 1 lb - set me up for the day.

Down -Up -Down -Up ... I'm beginning to see a pattern here

apologise for all the waffle dolls ...

much love xx

feelin better ...

i took some time off work and decided to visit my friend, she lives out of town so i stayed for a whole week. - she's like my therapist. I spent the whole week bitching , laughing , crying, chatting , drinking - I haven't seen her for almost 6 months so it was a good time to catch up and at the same time i got a lot of things off my chest. I have felt rage over these recent months and have felt so low. I have wrestled with a few demons now i feel focused again on the one thing i actually give a dam about - MY WEIGHT !!!

i have a new gym membership now and i am determined to lose some lbs - especially now that summer is fast approaching. THINK THIN !! i have also been to the library and took out some books relating to ana and other girls experiences ( i only got through half of each book - the 1st half full of facts and the 2nd half always concluding in the recovery process ... but as i am NOT anorexic pointless read )

my weigh in this morning confirmed that i have lost 3lbs since last week so i feel refreshed and motivated. I still have a few more days off work so i am going to drag my ass to the gym everyday and sweat it out until my legs and arms dont work anymore.. Bliss !!!

hope you girls are cool and are staying positive ..

be back soon Xx

its not that i dont care - im just a little lost right now !!!

my behaviour is disgusting , my attitude stinks. im constantly fighting with myself. i go from one extreme to the other. im ripping my self apart . its psychological now - suicidal thoughts can not be healthy - i seem to have crossed over into a dark place . ( nothing to do with eds btw ) my whole life is in turmoil. i blame the fat fuck that screwed with my life. why couldnt he just stay the hell away ???

i have been tip toeing about not letting myself go - trying to keep it together. i even tried Buddhism can you believe it ?? anything to occupy my mind pretending i could get over him - im not over him and its been 7 months almost.

still not net at home ,things are tight , bills bills and more fucking bills ....

depressed !!!!!!

the weekend has been a good en.. server depression equals loss of appetite ,gigantic spots have me so self conscious i chose not to go out cancelling social gathering's and party nyts - avoiding my friends like the plague. i know this week i have lost lbs and i am kissing my own ass with glee ( ha ! literally ) i know that my weightloss is obvious to those that have not seen me for a while - i cant deal with the commotion , and i hate having to feel bad cos iv lost weight - inside im fuucking screaming ' ner ner fucking ner ' - ' iv done it iv done it iv lost a couple more lbs' . to the girls i have to pretend like i don't want to be losing the weight and that i am eating and that this is just a phase - i keep blaming the ex but to be honest i don't like the fact that he gets the credit ha - they all think its his fault !! how dare he steal my thunder - ITS MY FAULT - IV DONE THIS - THIS IS MY GOAL !!!

im getting closer to my goal- iv updated my stats again cos its shifting baaaaby :)

if any body is reading me iwouldlove to hear what you think about my next rant ??? iv been thinking for a while about my hair- i keep getting it cut shorter & shorter cos i thought it made me look slimmer - i thought if i defined my check bones and let my skinny neck show i would undoubtedly look more petite - now i not so sure... i don't know if long wavy locks are the answer - keira knightly did the short hair - victoria beckham too, they have both acheived what i thought i would but honstly im starting to feel less & less attractive - not only am i fat - but UGLY too. WTF thats enough to send me over board - im not mentally stable at the best of times and if my hair hair gets any shorter ill end up doing a britney !!!! arrrrrgh cant deal:(

hmmmm ..... you think ??? long short - short long ???


Thin Lizzies - keep up the goodwork

Xx

.... its been a while !!!

but yes im still alive - JUST .

I previously wrote and explained that i was to be moving into my own place - mission acomplished. the only flaw is that i have not set up my internet therefore have found it difficult keeping upto date with all you beauties here in my wonderland.

i aim to be set up SOON then i can begin to bump uglys with my fellow insomniacs.

ana is still going strong you'll be please to know, when i took the outh to make ana my life style and i meant it hurrrraaah . i have jump over that anoying plateau that i had been sailing on for several weeks. it was a struggle but my weight is going down again BIG SMILE !!!

im guna catch up with you lovelies - its been too long

MUCH LOVE xX

OMG !! Has it really been 3 weeks since i last posted ???

Iv missed you loads ... i can only get onto the net when im at the parents, I have moved into my apartment now - which is absolutely gorgeous btw :) but i don't have my phone line in yet and my ex still has my laptop BOO !!

soooooo - to update you , im still FAT . not enormous just FAT. 3 weeks ago i was 145lbs i am STILL 145lbs. i have reached a plateau . i feel like giving up , i feel like this is me, this is what im supposed to look like ,this is the body for me ... what should i do ??? i have been investigating and normally this is the point when a person would give up - however if you ride it out and stay determined then you eventually start to see changes .. more weight loss. i am just struggling to accept the fact that 3 weeks and no change , how long will i be at this point for ?? what can i do to incur dramatic changes i am craving so desperately ??

the ABC thing was brilliant for me in dropping so much weight in such a short time however, on a negative note i have my appetite back. i am starting to enjoy food - knowing i can eat . even if its not what it used to be - its definitely back. i have decided that the ABC diet is not something i am going to continue with - i WANT to feel EMPTY , i WANT my day top be a STRUGGLE , i WANT my HATRED for food to TAKE OVER.

i associate a successful day consuming as little food as possible , the amount of ciggeretts i smoke is an indication of how much food COULD be in my stomach but is NOT . i love passing out after i have been running. i like how my head pounds. i secretly like my work collegues commenting on my lunch for the day - usually a cup a soup - or some crunchy veg. wishing they could be like me when it comes to controlling their rumbbling bellies.

tomorrow is monday - back to basics .. little calorie intake - plenty of water and over exercising !!!!

i am going to catch up on your blogs .

i hope you are good ..

' NOTHIN TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS '

Much Love Xx

waaaaaaahoo !!! mission acomplished - well not literally but im one step closer to heaven baaaby. weigh in this morning - 145lbs .OVERJOYED i was 152lbs ..

so ladies just to update you . i have actually been eating and it has actually worked . ABC is definatley my new thing. fuuuuck the fasting . i have been steadily counting calories and eating 500 .. 300 ... 200 .. semi - fast (maybe chompimg on the odd carrot stick - or shoving a waffer thin piece of ham in my mouth ) SUCESS . after weeks of ' not really getting anywhere ' i have lost 7lbs just this week :)

on a darker note . wednesday it was - i clicked onto facebook scanning my ex profile and the c**nt is in a relationship. absolutely heart broken considering we only finshed 3 weeks ago. i felt sick as soon as i saw it . i starting shouting , screaming, sobbing . i couldnt believe what i was seeing. the selfish bastard didnt even think to delete me from his friends list. didnt even have the balls to tell me - anyways after 2 hours of sobbing histerically i drown my sorrows in a bottle of red. absolutely suicidal i locked myself in my room and contempalted putting an end t my misery- FUCK NO !! i would not let him win. i would not let him do this to me.i wouldnt let him do that to my family and friends . im better than that but the thought was there. i phoned the samaritans - a help line . i talked with a guy who basically let me rambble on and on about my situation with dogg face .. i talked about the fat bitch that i have turned into .. about my relationship with my mama & her raging husband. by the end i was feeling much better. he arranged to call me back thurday..


in other news i have been to veiw an apartment today - i have fallen in love with it . i have advised the agent that i am dying to move in. i have filled in all the ppwk and paid my fees so fingers crossed laaaaydeez. i hope i get it. i feel i need my independence back. i will desperately miss my room mate but she is loved up at the minute. he is at our place every day and nyt. basically lives there. obviously not the greaset arrangement - i feel i need my own space. at least this way i have something to concentrate on. something to put all my effort into ( as of ana isnt enough lmao )

thanks for reading ..

much love Xx

not feelin it today girlies .. i feel like iv done nothing put eat . to sumaries 1 x cupa soup 104cals , spoonful coleslaw 34cals , small salad (not sure too sure) 80cals , half tin veg soup 134cals and a vanilla slice 113cals. GRAND TOTAL 465 . i know its not loads but i feel likei have been constantly shoveling food into my big fat gob. eeewh !!

im still up at my mas - i feel sick at the thought of a weigh in . i have been away from my scales since friday but im going home tonight . what wil the scales say ??!!! ooooooh i hope its attractive. i hope i have made some progress fingers crossed **

i am really disappointed that i have not done any exercise either.. i desperately want to go to the gym but my ex fella goes to the same gym ( he bought us yearly memberships together - how cute NOT !!)the thought of seeinmg him makes me sick to my stomach .. its painfull enough knowing that he is still walking this earth . knowing that he is still alive and getting on with his life when all i want to do is die. the thoght of not being with him is driving me insane.....

*BITCH SLAP !!
*SORT YOUR HEAD OUT - YOU KNOW THAT HES NO GOOD !!
*.... but i love him millions
*HES NOT WHAT YOU NEED
*.... hes what i want
*HES WHAT YOU THINK YOU WANT

all the energy i use up daily thinking and wondering about him i wish i could channel to other parts of my body my day would be electric ... i would be exercising every millisecond of the day . my mindset would be focused on my calorie counting . and if i could only smile as much i smiled when i was with him then people would stop being concerned about me and stop thinking im tip toeing along the borders of a nervous breakdown ... arrrrrrrrrgh . i hate you so much right now !!!!!

lots of love ..

miserably fat Xx

quest for perfection - i am shocked at the annoymous comment that somebody made on your page . its your life - people shouldnt judge others by their own standards. she is probly a fake herself. anyways - you abolutely kicked ass !!

so last night was a nightmare for me .. was so so so so hungry . i tried to keep busy most of the night. watching TV , reading , smokin , drinking cup after cup after cup of coffee. i eventually fell asleep bout 3.00am. i had succeeded, yesterday i consumed half cup of custard 108cals corn on the cob 100cals and a slice of pizza 110cals. i was feeling proud - i thought yesterday was going to be an UGLY day but i really contolled myself .. happy days.

alright - yesterday during my battle to keep busy. i took some fotos . i spent bout an hour in different positions in an attempt to get the best shot. i am going to up load a couple of pictures today . im very nervous because i am still FAT !!

i hope i dont disgust you dolls too much .. eeeeek Xx

quick quick quick - i have to log on... iv just got home form work . desperate to get on here before i break out into a full ' of the rictor scale ' style BINGE !! tday iv have witnessed the majority of my work buddies stuff ' whopper ' after ' fries ' after ' milkshake ' after ' chicken bite ' after ' cheeseburger' etc etc into their big fat greedy mouths.. while i sat at my dest eating half a cup of warm custarrd off the smallest spoon in history. gaaaaawd am i hungry ..

not been on the scales today - having a fat day (ha no change there then) im up at my ma's for the evenin buuuut bonus. nobody is home. theyv gone away for the weekend. house to myself ... no big dinners to eat . Result !! iv had to get away from my house mate. driiiiving me insane. my eating is become an issue wit her . she comments religiously at the ammount of times she catches me in the mirror
top rolled , pants rolled down as far as possible, sucking in everything that i can . desperate to see bone-age !!

iv sent a letter today to that ex fella of mine - basically for my own peace of mind. i needed closure . everything has been left up in the air and i am drifting from day to day constantly wondering.at least now i know there is no going back , its not up to me anymore. definatley for the best . altho i do miss him and have constant ache in my heart im sure things will get better - i once heard time is a great healer - we'll see.

gorgeous tulip - i have emialed you * talk soon :)

i am going to catch up with all your blogs now .. my favourite part .

stay strong - think thin Xx

hello gorgeous girlies ... so not posted for a few days, hmmmm where to start. well last friday me and a girlfriend decided we would have a nyt in. we partied pretty hard.. altho i was in bed shortly after midnight. had a bangig headache and had thrown up for what seemed like forever. not sure where it came from as i had been fasting for the majority of the week. aaaaaaanyways , i jumped on the scale on saturday morning utterlery infactuated with the reading 9st 13lbs - omg i couldnt believe it. so so so so happy ... didnt last long :( i went to the haidresses on saturday morning to get my new hair. after everything going on in my life ( me depressed about my weight, depressed about the split with my boyf ) i decided i wanted to change me.. i mean the old me wasnt workin !!! previously mid blonde i am now officially a red head..and its short and i luuuuuuuuv it. my smile didnt last long when i returned home i jumped on the scale hoping that my new hair would mean even more weight loss - but no !! - pure devastation i weighed exactly the same as i did yesterday despite throwing up most of the night, despite the scale reading 9 st 13lbs and despite my my new du. not impressed - BOOOOOOO !!

i presume that i was so dehydrated that i had no water in my body to weigh in - eeeeek. not a good idea to starv and dehydrate so i decided ' get over it '.

i have had quite a good week this week. i have consumed no more than 300 cals per day. (no change in weight though - to be perfectly honest iv not been exercising enough. 20 minute runs before work and not exactly going to help with my pro ana life style i desperatly need to work harder and for longer ) iv had an ugly breakout of coldsores - ewwwwh . i have three in total. my house mate is getting worried about me. shes constantly commenting on my weight, on my eating and on my appearance. she says that i look so tired and run down because im not eating properly.( i am i am i am - i tell her )last nyt when i came home from work she has cooked me up a full plate of chicken n sauce with chips and vegtables.. i had to eat it in front of her - i felt disgustin. i couldnt even purge , that would have been too obvious. she would of heard me anyways. this is not good laaaaydeez.

in other news . i have decided i need to get myself a weekend job. me and my best friend are planning a trip around america next summer and to fund this i need to be makin mega bucks. i already have a full time job but its defo not enuuuuuuuff. plus i figure that if i busy busy busy there wil be no time to spend money , definatley no time to eat and just think of all the calories i will be burning working 7 days. happy daaaaaaaays . fingers crossed - sooner rather than later

oooooh well thats ne done for today. guna read some of your blogs now ... im dying to find out how ppl are getting on with the ABC - thinking bout trying it..

take care daaaaarlins

keep up the good work Xx

happy days.. delighted with the weigh in this morning. as i said i went out raving on sunday nyt. satyd up until yesterday aftrnoon - wth some help from my friend xtc. absolutely luved it. anyways when i woke up this morning feelin xtra thin - bad headache but who cares. i stod on the scales feelin extra proud of my self as i realised i had lost 3lbs (10st 6lbs). in one nyt - awesome. iv practically FAST again today 3 cherry tomatoes a leaf of lettuce , 3 chucks of celery and a tiny hand ful of sweet corn ( my eyes looked very dark this morning thought i needed some nurishment )i really really really want to go running tonight but i got my period this afternoon. doubled over with cramps - aaaaaaw i hate it. QUESTION - Hmmmmmmm i wonder how long it will be before my periods stop ???

Anywhooooos girlies im guna go read some blogs ...

Take care lovelys Xx

Okaaaay so yesterday was a fantastic day for me FAST FAST FAST total cal intake 0. im going to fast again today. i have a busy night tonight i m going raving with some friends. 5 hours of non stop movement - music to my ears. i am excited about my weigh in tomorrow already.

monster migrane today - omg i have woken up with the worst migrane ever. i planned to go running this morning but the sunshine outside is enough to cause blindness , im sure. I couldnt possibly go outside :( Instead crunch crunch crunch - weights weights weights . I have read somewhere that your exercise should vary day-day. if your body gets used to a certain movement rather than burning that fat it will actualy build your muscle. example if you were to run the same track everyday your body gets used to it and your legs begin to tone and your muscle starts to build up however if you ran one day , weights another , swim another your body will burn the fat in your body - and there you have it- one step closer ...

anyway ladies - i hope everything is well with you gorgeous girlies. id love to hear from you.

Think Thin Xx

i have been on here most of the day - i love you guys. you have succesfully helped me to avoid food so far today. i feel great. i am going to take a shower and neet up with my best friend (shes mia). we're going to take a long walk around the lake and tak about our obession. i absolutely love the fact that i have somebody so close to me that can relate- i will be back soon. keep up the good work darlings Xx

Think Thin Xx

sum much needed thinspo !!!

apologies firstly ... how dare i not write for how many days !! this was supposed to be a new start for me. unfortunately for me (big bitch slap) i let that asehole back into my life - the last time. i can honestly say that i want nothing to do with him. hes detroyed me. grind me down to a state of pure desperation. he minupulated me . he turned me into a person i didnt want to be. could i do anything about it ?? yes !! i hate myself for it. ENOUGH now. Time to be strong - time to take control - time to get back to whats important in my life - ME Xx

hi all.. okay so you may have noticed that iv been missing for a week or so. moved in wit my boyf. big mistake !! altho i have lost 6lbs already i have not been as strict as i proberly should. small in take of cals however no hardcore exercising. well thats all about to change. my relationship with my boyf has broken down. we are officially OVER !! absolutely devasted but i thik this may be the motivation i need. i am going to concentrate on me me me .. thin thin thin. as despressed as i am at the moment i know i cpuld go either way.. big fat emotional over-eater or a discipline pro ana .. i know which im going to choose. im having a night in wit my girlfriend tonight. NO FOOD juuust drinks. few glasses of vino that i will definately be running off tomorrow. i am excited about the days o follow. im guna give it my all.... hope all is wel with everybody . Keep up the ood ork girlies Xx